IN ANOTHER PAST

Rating:

P18 / NC-17

Summary:

Post Year Of Hell. Sometimes, lost memories seized those who were

never supposed to know the truth about the horrors of another past.

Warnings:

Has definitely a dark edge. Some may see non-consensual sex in one

scene, but I like to point out that this is not what happens.

Disclaimer:

All paramount, nothing mine. Also, the characters imo belong to the

actresses and actors because it was them who brought them to life.

Author's Note:

This starts at the end of Year Of Hell. To make the events in this

story possible, I had to take it AU, meaning that this would play

between YOH and Random Thoughts, but within a much longer

stretch of time.

This story was co-authored by my very good friend Spooky. She

helped me A LOT with this story, therefore I felt that just naming her

as beta reader wouldn't be enough. I was stuck several times and

maneuvered myself into some dead ends, but luckily, with her help I

always found a way out. Plus, she loves Year Of Hell just like I do,

so this story is also dedicated to her. Lots of love to you, hun!

Those who cannot remember the past

are condemned to repeat it.

- George Santayana

Cold sweat covered his body, a body shivering and shaking when it jolted into a

sitting position. His breathing was labored, and his heart beat so wildly it threatened to

break his ribcage and jump out. His head was thrumming with pain that was blinding him

when he fought back into consciousness from his nightmare.

He clutched his shirt and desperately, almost in panic, pulled it from his body,

freeing his chest from a constraint that wasn't there, but still seemed to crush him. He

threw his bedding aside, stumbled from his bed and tumbled through his quarters, vainly

searching for a way that would bring him away from the pictures that sliced through his

heart and mind.

He had seen Voyager. And he had seen its end.

Nights on starships were a curiously quiet affair. Even if crews were spacefaring for

months, if not years, they still maintained a regular day-night-rhythm. People were

working in shifts, and although encounters of all kinds where possible at any time, the

crews nevertheless stuck to their routines. After all, a regular sleep pattern was essential for

their health.

Even being thousands of light years away from Earth or known space in general,

Voyager operated on an Earth-like twenty-four hour day and night rhythm - and the

majority of the crew worked at day and slept at night.

This night was no different. The past weeks had been uneventful for a change; they'd

encountered only one species called Krenim. Or more to the point, they had encountered

one ship of them, and its pilot had warned them of the unstable political situation in the

territory ahead. So they had taken a course around Krenim space. A very boring, but at

least also relaxing course, with no other ships, no inhabited planets, not even any

interesting phenomena.

Now days were as quiet as usually were nights, and nights... nights brought a silence

that made Voyager appear like a ghost ship. Even those still on duty only talked in hushed

voices, as if they were afraid anything that was even the slightest bit of an unnecessary

noise could break a spell that literally whispered through the corridors.

It was one week into their lonely journey - one that was now lonelier than ever

before - that after another uneventful day, Commander Chakotay, the ship's first officer,

went to bed early. For some time now, he had been feeling strangely exhausted - perhaps

the quiet days without any adrenaline wore him out more than real action. And the general

atmosphere on the ship did the rest. Since the Doctor had attested him perfect health, he

had to assume that boredom was the only 'illness' he was suffering from. So an extensive

shower and crawling into his bed after a night cup of herbal tea felt like just the right thing

to do.

The moment he jerked from his sleep in the earliest morning hours after a nightmare,

he wasn't so sure about that anymore. It took him a few deep breaths to calm down and

clear his mind. It wasn't that he had never had nightmares before. But something about this

one had been different. Had been too real, too vivid. Too close.

He had seen Voyager's bridge in a terrible condition, and on top of that one of the

crewmen dead. But there had been more - he had felt the air whirling around him, dust

invading his respiratory system. He had smelled what the fires had burned - especially the

flesh of wounded crewmen.

Nausea overcame him just thinking of it, and Chakotay left his bed for the bathroom,

splashing cold water into his face and swallowing some of it to calm down his stomach.

His arms trembled when he supported himself on his sink and threatened to give out under

the heavy weight of his upper body leaning onto them, and Voyager's first officer looked

down on himself in confusion.

What was the matter with him?

Sighing, he decided to get dressed and take his time having a good breakfast; after

all, his mother had once taught him that it was the most important meal of the whole day,

and that a good breakfast always promised an equally good day. His mother's wisdom kept

word - his shift and hours of free-time afterwards were not worth mentioning.

When he went to bed the same evening, he was exhausted from an hour of workout

on the holodeck, but also deeply relaxed from the shower he had taken afterwards. The

moment his head hit the pillow, he was asleep.

But again, not for long.

With all the force he could come up with he pulled himself from the ordeal his

subconscious confronted him with. He jumped up and almost fell off the bed; even a short

scream escaped his throat. He panted hard, struggling against the images, trying to get rid

of them as he stumbled into the shower, somehow losing his night clothes in the process,

and activated the cold water. Only after about ten minutes under the chilling stream, he

found back into reality completely.

This time, he didn't wait for the morning, didn't treat himself with an early and

extensive breakfast. Instead, he left his quarters, barefoot and in his sleeping attire he had

pulled back on, and headed for sickbay.

He never noticed Kathryn Janeway standing in her doorway, watching him go; deep

concern showing on her face.

Chapter One

Chakotay reached sickbay, expecting it to be quiet and empty. What he found was a

brightly illuminated medical station, the Doctor bustling about, and Tom Paris sitting at

one of the biobeds with B'Elanna Torres standing next to him.

"Commander," the younger man, also in his pajamas and a bath robe only, just like

B'Elanna, greeted him. He looked tired, Chakotay noticed, and was so pale as if he had

seen a ghost.

"Tom. Are you all right?"

"More or less. Just a nightmare," the pilot shrugged dismissively, but the half

Klingon next to him shook her head.

"Fifth night in a row," B'Elanna added, "had to drag him here to finally let the Doctor

have a look." She tilted her head and eyed the first officer critically. "What's with you?"

"Nightmares..." he answered, weighing the word on his tongue, "Is this some kind of

epidemic?"

"Not that I know of, Commander. At least you two are the first ones to report

problems of this kind," the EMH now joined the conversation, administering a hypospray

to Tom's neck. "This should hopefully help you sleep, Mr. Paris. You may return to your

quarters."

"Thanks, Doc." Paris hopped from the biobed and walked towards the exit with

B'Elanna. Before he left, he called, "'Night, Chakotay," over his shoulder. Then the couple

was gone.

Chakotay didn't get the chance to respond, as the Doctor already pushed him to one

of the biobeds and began scanning him.

"So, you're suffering from bad dreams as well." It was a statement, not a question. If

the EMH hadn't heard Voyager's second in command talk about it before, his tricorder

readings had by now told him what was up. Quickened heartbeat, heightened blood

pressure, and what humans called 'cold sweat' blared at him and told tales of a recent wave

of anxiety and terror.

"It was the second time," Chakotay affirmed nevertheless.

"Hm... apart from the usual physiological reactions, there seems to be nothing wrong.

Could it be this species that attacks people in their sleep again?"

"I don't think so, I didn't see any of them, and besides... this was different. Last time,

most of us were confronted with situations that caused discomfort or even embarrassment

on a personal level. This time, it was... bigger."

"Care to elaborate, Commander?"

"It looked like a..." The Doctor stopped in his work when he heard his patient's voice

dying. Worried he walked back over from where he'd been preparing a hypo, and put a

hand on the shoulder of the man who hung his head, deep in thought.

"Commander?"

"It looked like we'd just encountered another hostile race; there was some damage on

the bridge, and one crewman dead. But... I felt like I was there. I didn't only see everything

clearly; I also felt and smelt and heard it. And... and then there was this strange

premonition that this was more than... more than a fight with the evil alien of the week. It

felt like..." He paused for a moment, shaking his head. "I don't know why, but it felt like

war. Like the end."

The Doctor listened attentively to Chakotay's words, contemplating them thoroughly

before answering while pressing a hypospray against his patient's neck.

"I would say that now that we have a few quiet weeks for a change, your mind is

finally finding the time and energy to process what you've experienced in the past months,

years even. However, what you're telling me sounds suspiciously similar to what Mr. Paris

reported. Commander, I'd like you to go back to bed for now. Try to get some sleep; the

medicine I gave you should help you with that. But please consult me immediately as soon

as you have another nightmare."

"Yes. Thank you, Doctor."

But despite the Doctor's treatment, both men lay fully awake that night.

Chakotay soon gave up believing in the Doctor's capability to help them. Night after

night he had to helplessly accept what his mind tormented him with, and it was driving him

insane. Tom didn't look any better, he noticed; however, having B'Elanna at his side

seemed to somewhat add some advantage for the younger man.

When he entered the holodeck in the eighth night since it had all started, he was very

well aware of the uselessness of what he planned to do. Exhaustion hadn't helped before,

and he doubted it would now; but at least it would give him the feeling that he had tried

something, done something, anything. And maybe, just maybe, his energy-drained system

would be too weak to let his mind conjure up every last bit of horror it had in store.

Choosing a higher level than his abilities usually allowed him in his boxing program

was not the wisest thing to do, but right then, Chakotay couldn't have cared less. If it didn't

stop his dreams, then it would hopefully stop the thoughts of the same for some time, as

long as he was busy fighting in the ring.

It didn't help. Not at all. And his frustration grew.

Every day the holodeck found him running every possible and perhaps impossible

program about fighting, about war and rage and anything else that let Voyager's first

officer convert the pictures and scenarios he'd seen, the ones that scared him to no end, into

a bloodlust that would have shocked him, shaken him to the core, could he have seen

himself.

Despite the advanced levels, his opponents barely stood a chance. His hits rained

down on them when he fought like in a trance, a fever. He didn't notice the blood on his

hands, his face, his clothes, until his holodeck time was over and he ended the program.

Every time he promised himself to stop. Every new day, after a new nightmare, he

returned.

It went on for a week and a half; eleven days he tortured his body just like his mind

tortured his soul. On the twelfth day, the opponent in his recent program vanished mid-

stroke - and when he turned around himself in confusion, he found no one else than

Kathryn Janeway, standing in the shadows, watching him with a dead-serious, but also

terrible pained expression on her face.

That evening, Janeway brought him back to his quarters, replicated him a cup of

herbal tea and sat at his side, silent, never saying a single word, until he fell asleep on his

couch. They didn't speak then, and they didn't talk about it afterwards. But Chakotay

realized that he had to stop with these frantic attempts to heal himself, especially since he

knew that it didn't end anything.

What initially was hoped for to be only a temporary condition, maybe a kind of an

post-traumatic stress disorder in a very extended, week-long form that was caused by too

many horrors seen in the past and too much time to think about them in the present, both

men learned to accept as a permanent condition they as well as anyone else - most

importantly the Doctor - couldn't do anything about.

Weeks went by that soon turned into one month and then another, and the first

officer and the pilot consulted the EMH often, always risen from their sleep by nightmares

that obviously were getting worse. But whatever the Doctor did, he couldn't find a solution.

He tested both men for everything possible and impossible he could think of, let them stay

in sickbay overnight, monitored their brain activities during their sleep. But to no avail.

Captain Janeway noted the condition of both officers with growing concern. She saw

Tom's and B'Elanna's tiredness, and more often than enough, her first officer's unrest

robbed her of her sleep as well when she heard him through the thin walls. After the

holodeck incident, as she had named it for herself and then stored away as a memory not

be brought back to the surface, she resumed to only quietly watch him leave his quarters

for sickbay. Before long, however, she began to offer her company.

She felt helpless, something that ate at her just like her worries did. Her strength

faded with each throwback her officers and friends had to take. Every time Chakotay,

Torres and Paris met to talk about their experiences, exchange theories and advices,

Janeway joined them to listen to both men's stories - and to share a few words with

B'Elanna. Since she had decided to do her best and support Chakotay, her chief engineer

was the only one she allowed herself to confide in, to consult over both men's conditions -

and share what were their observations.

What started out as an infrequent get-together soon became a regular, almost daily

meeting. They clung to their hope that they would one day, one time, come up with a

solution, that one of them would have an idea and think of something they hadn't yet to

dismiss as fruitless. Nightmares with no apparent reason weren't exactly material of

founded sciences.

"Maybe we should really consider the Doctor's suggestion and put you in a

temporary coma. It could be the key when those dreams shouldn't occur then anymore,"

Janeway one evening brought boldly up a subject they had been touching only hesitantly.

"I'm not sure," Tom contradicted his captain's words, "he also said that he might not

be able to wake us anymore if we have one of these nightmares then. Just think about it,

already now B'Elanna has her problems to wake me. This really isn't the kind of dreams I'd

like to spend more time with than I can help it."

"Tom's right. As long as there's a risk of getting caught in my own nightmares, I

rather try and stay awake as long as possible." The dark rings under his eyes and the ashen

color of his naturally golden skin didn't exactly substantiate the commander's words; he

looked as if he hadn't slept in months - which was true, to some extent - and could have

needed some forced rest. But without the promise for that to be peaceful, staying awake

was the probably more relaxing alternative. And safer also; being trapped in a state of

psychological terror could be lethal.

"Chakotay, what about your... animal guide?" It was a thought that had occurred to

B'Elanna earlier already.

"I tried it. But the world in my vision seems as... scrambled as Voyager in my

dreams. I told the Doctor, but... neither of us really knows what happens during these

quests. It's just something my people always accepted as part of our culture. No one of us

ever asked questions about the how and why."

"For all we know, they could simply be the voice of your subconscious mind." The

Indian nodded at his captain's idea, silently agreeing to it.

"So where does that leave us?" Torres wondered aloud, and covered Tom's hand,

lying on his couch between them, with hers.

"Probably with just another nightmare," her boyfriend said what everyone was

thinking; and with a sarcastic undertone each of the other three could relate to. An air of

frustration and resignation hung in the room when they said their good-byes and good-

nights and parted for the evening.

Neither would have predicted that this night came with a change.

Because Tom, for the first time in what had turned into several weeks by now, didn't

have a nightmare. He slept through without so much as twitching a muscle. His calmness

even disturbed his mate's own rest, as B'Elanna, by now sharing quarters with the man she

loved, was so trained to react to Tom's bad dreams immediately and bring him out of them

that when she woke sometime during the night by an auto-mechanism, she thought he had

fallen into a coma - or worse. Instead, when she shook him, he blinked and simply gave her

a tired smile. Then he pulled her to him and went back to sleep.

The next morning, the commanding duo, summoned by the Doctor, met in sickbay.

Seeing that Torres and Paris were also present had hope growing within them, and they

shared a quick glance.

"Doctor, what is it? You said it's urgent. Did you find-"

"Don't get your hopes up, please," the EMH interrupted Chakotay. "At least not yet."

Then he turned to Voyager's pilot and nodded to indicate he should start his report.

"I was on a strange ship," Tom began. "Unfamiliar, don't think we've ever

encountered a species with that kind of high-tech vessels. I was sitting alone in a small

room, working on something, and then, all of a sudden, I was beamed away, to another

ship. Harry greeted me, and then I saw B'Elanna, and..." He paused for a moment and his

expression turned into a pondering one. "And the pictures just... dissolved. That's all."

"No trashing on the bed, no moaning or even screaming, no jerking awake. I don't

think Tom moved more than people usually do in their sleep," the half Klingon woman

added, her arms crossed over her chest, still looking somewhat disbelieving.

"That is good to hear, Mr. Paris, but I wouldn't rejoice yet," Janeway warned when

she noticed the younger officer's relieved half-grin. "Not that I would want to take away

your hopes, but this might just have been an... exception. We should wait what happens in

the next few nights."

"In any way, I'd like to know how you slept, Mr. Chakotay. Did you experience the

same as Lieutenant Paris?" Seeing the first officer's as well as Janeway's face fall, the

Doctor didn't need to hear the answer to know it; neither did the couple next to one of the

biobeds.

"On the contrary, I'm afraid. I was on that ship as well, I think... but in a big room,

with faceless figures... shadows working on consoles. I could hear indistinct voices, orders

and affirmations, but nothing was clear enough. It was technology I didn't recognize. Then

I thought I was going to be beamed off the ship, but I just... in the blink of an eye, literally,

I was on Voyager. On a badly beaten up, almost beyond repair one. I didn't see much, it

was all sort of... blurry. However, I felt the impact of another ship colliding with us. That's

when I woke up."

"I'm sorry, Chakotay." Tom's sympathy was genuine; his grin gone, sadness in his

eyes. He had hoped that since they'd so far always experienced the same changes in their

condition - if one could call it so - that maybe the older man had had a quiet night himself.

"It's okay, Tom. I'm getting used to it." The grim cynicism in his voice betrayed the

words; not that anyone in sickbay would have believed them anyway.

"Commander, Lieutenant, I'd like to perform some tests, see if there are any

medically noticeable changes," the Doctor declared and motioned to one of the free

biobeds, waiting for Chakotay to sit down there, while B'Elanna and Janeway moved to

leave sickbay. Before they were through the door, the captain suggested to meet at lunch

time, to which everyone agreed; certainly there were some new stories to share.

As expected, the Doctor's examinations, scans and tests again brought no results. At

least none that would have helped Chakotay.

Tom got a clean bill of health, his body surprisingly showing not a single sign of

stress, even though logic told the EMH that there should have been some remnants left

after the past weeks. But the pilot was as energetic and full of life and wit as everyone

knew him, and his physical as well as mental condition were that of someone who'd just

come back from a holiday fortnight. On the other hand, after all those restless nights one

good night's sleep must have felt exactly like such a holiday.

Voyager's first officer was still looking dead on his feet, and that was putting it

nicely. That the Doctor's tricorder readings screamed for the scanned one to get some sleep

was noted by both the Indian and the hologram with barely more than a shrug. The EMH

offered to attach a cortical scanner on Chakotay's neck once more, but the commander

declined; it wasn't as if the tiny piece of technology had done anything good the past few

times.

Chakotay left sickbay just in time to get back to his quarters, change, and meet with

the others for lunch - while he desperately tried to ignore the temptation to return to the

holodeck and fight off the horror in his mind just like he'd done in the beginning. And even

though he knew it was to no avail, it got harder to withstand with every passing day.

The lunch meeting was a wordless affair at first. Seated in a normally unused

separate dining room that belonged to the mess hall, the four senior officers all poked

around in their food, but didn't really eat, and much less talked. May Paris have been

better, worrying about Chakotay left them all without appetite. Digesting the new

developments was busying their stomachs and minds enough.

Neelix had prepared a light meal for them, a vegetarian dish that tasted really good,

but even that couldn't get them to eat properly as they all needed to.

Tom suddenly putting down his fork energetically brought everyone's attention from

their own thoughts to him, and they eyed the young man with expressions ranging from

confused over irritated to slightly shocked when he looked at them exasperated.

"There has to be something we can do!" he exclaimed when he pushed his plate from

him. "It can't be that hard to find an answer, anything that's different between Chakotay

and me, now that my nightmares have stopped. Maybe we're thinking into the completely

wrong direction."

"But what direction would you suggest, Tom?" the Indian asked, his voice calm and

composed. He had long since realized that getting angry or irritated over his situation didn't

help anyone, least of all him. He was touched by the younger man's passion, though;

certainly they had come a long way from two people simply tolerating each other due to

the circumstances to being something resembling friends.

"I wish I knew, Chakotay, I really do." The fury gone as quickly as it had come, Paris

sounded almost defeated then, and forced a smile when B'Elanna touched his arm

reassuringly.

"Your nightmares have stopped. Maybe we should simply assume that Chakotay's

will as well soon. This night, the next; I'd like to assume that he'll be as free of them as you

are now already, Tom." B'Elanna's unusual calm, almost soothing words and voice were

followed by nods from the commanding duo, and Paris rubbed his hands over his face.

"I hate that this is obviously all we can do," he murmured. The older man next to him

put a hand on his shoulder

"Don't worry, Tom. I'll get through it. I've seen worse in my life." The agreeing

rumbling noises the others made were heartfelt. And yet no one was really convinced.

They all felt that the literal big bang was still about to come.

The following nights had Captain Janeway almost consider staying in Chakotay's

quarters overnight. Certainly it would have been easier than to be woken by screams and

whimpers echoing through both their quarters and her having to get into his first.

After Tom Paris' nightmares had stopped, hope had grown in all those who knew of

the events that both men would once and for all be free of these horrific disturbances. For

Tom, this was true. For Chakotay, however, it seemed to get even worse. The atrocity of

his mental film-strips increased more and more, and the question arose how much of this

was yet humanly possible to bear.

The first night came with a loud thud against the wall for Janeway when Chakotay

jumped from his nightmare, in every sense of the word. He scrambled from his bed as if it

was something frightful, as if it was on fire like parts of the bridge he had seen in flashes

while he was still on the unknown alien vessel. He stumbled, his feet and legs not quite

coordinated in his mind's hazy state, and practically ran into the wall his bedroom shared

with his captain's.

Kathryn was there within seconds, rushing to his quarters where Chakotay had by

then found his way into the main room. He managed a weak "Come in!" at her ringing, and

fell down into one of his armchairs just when she entered.

In the second night, he did something he had never done before, throughout the

whole time - he sleepwalked. At least that was how one could have described him raising

from his bed and throwing around objects in his quarters. There was no recognizable

pattern, though when Janeway watched him for a moment, contemplating how to best stop

him, she got the impression that he was trying to clear a path.

He sank down to his knees when he reached his bed again, and slowly regained

consciousness. They spent the rest of the night restoring and tidying his quarters, and then

ate breakfast together in silence.

The third night had the captain wake from not only one thud against the wall, but

continuous knocking. Someone was banging against the barrier between her and her first

officer's quarters, and Janeway, having trouble to clear her sleepy mind, didn't know at first

where it came from, or why.

That was until she heard him calling out her name, asking, no, demanding her to

come out - of wherever. She brought him back into reality by going over, standing next to

his still unaware self, and telling him, "I'm here, Chakotay. Everything's fine." He wavered

slightly, then looked at her questioningly.

Slowly losing hope, Janeway decided to try a new strategy and convert her idea into

action by staying in his quarters for the fourth night. He protested, as the sleeping place she

chose - a chair next to his bed - was too uncomfortable. He nearly offered to share his bed,

but stopped himself before he could suggest it. They had become close, closer than ever

before and they had been on New Earth maybe, but still it felt like crossing unconquerable

boundaries.

So he let her take the chairs. Arranging herself on two of them - one to sit on, one for

her feet to put up - she chose a position as close to his bed as possible, and took his hand in

hers. One could have easily mistaken the picture they gave for a concerned lover or relative

spending day and night at the sickbed of a beloved one.

His hand grabbed hers tightly when he began to trash on the bed, and he almost

pulled her off her chairs. She managed to get out of them before she could get caught

between the bed's frame and the seats, but obtained some bruises and scratched

nevertheless before he woke up.

After that, he forbid her to spend any more nights at his side - he feared that he could

seriously hurt her the next time, and he wasn't about to accept that risk. The anger he felt

over his own actions showed in his eyes and scared her enough to agree. For the moment.

The fifth night was considerably quiet. Physically, Chakotay showed almost no signs

of inner disturbance, of a nightmare. But as they said, psychological warfare was worse

than fighting man against man with weapons. And in this night, he saw everyone leave a

heavily damaged Voyager - everyone except Kathryn. He saw her say goodbye to

everyone, saw the sorrow in their eyes; even in Tuvok's blinded ones. There was a finality

to this scene that made him want to avert his eyes and scream in agony. But he couldn't.

When he woke up, he was sobbing uncontrollably.

Chapter 2

There was a disturbing, almost deadly quiet in Commander Chakotay's quarters the

following night. It seemed like the calm before the storm. And a storm was about to break

loose indeed.

He had gone to bed making use of the hypospray the Doctor had given him; still

hoping that one day, one night, it would just help. Two and a half hours he was granted a

peaceful slumber. Then hell, storm, and whatever else there was to punish his soul, befell

him.

His insides burned. Not his body, no. But his mind, his head, his thoughts. The

pictures torturing him were like molten photographs, like reality that was destroyed by fire

around the edges. He tried to close his eyes, turn away, but the pictures followed him; they

were not burned themselves, but into his retina. Into his inner eye.

His wet clothes clung to his body; cold sweat was covering him. He trashed on his

bed, his legs knotting his covers around him, and he kicked against the restraints, almost in

panic, as in his subconsciousness it felt like something was keeping him from doing what

he needed to do.

Save his captain.

The bridge was in ruins, a sad memory of the once proud center of a ship they called

their home, their refuge. Lights were flickering, consoles blackened, ripped out, dead. A

collection of debris, nothing more. No red alert, no blaring klaxons, only darkness and

dust filling the air, and now and then an explosion illuminated parts of what was left of the

bridge for a few seconds.

And in the middle of it all sat Kathryn Janeway. Bruised and dirty; her clothes

sweaty, her pants and her grey undershirt clinging to her. Her hair was messed and wild;

her face marred by an ugly scar. But it was also filled with determination. And anger. No,

fury. Her lips were tightly pressed together as she stared ahead to where once the view

screen had been; now there was only a gaping hole, and a weakened containment field

keeping the smoky air inside.

Only slowly Chakotay realized what was happening. Or was about to happen.

Voyager was so badly damaged that there was no chance she would stay in one piece much

longer. He received mental images of alien ships helping the Alpha Quadrant vessel, but

they were either damaged themselves, or simply vanished when the enemy fired some

weapon he had never seen before.

It was a losing battle. Voyager was powerless, most systems had already failed, and

now she was drifting towards the hostile ship and-

Oh God.

"Kathryn, no," he whispered when it dawned on him what she was doing. But she

didn't hear him. She just sat there, unwavering, as she steered the ship into destruction,

and herself into death. He tried to get to her, stop her, but found himself unable to move.

He could only watch. And feel his heart break.

The moment Voyager collided with the unknown ship in his dream, and shattered

into a thousand pieces, flying away from a ball of fire, Chakotay screamed. And this was

how he woke up - screaming at the top of his lungs. Calling out to her, begging her to not

do it. Not to sacrifice herself. His sleep-fogged mind couldn't register at first that he was

awake, that he had already freed himself from the horrors of his nightmare. He didn't hear

his door chime sounding; he was deaf to the world just as he was blind to his surroundings.

Only a person grabbing his shoulders and shaking him was finally able to penetrate

his haze, and slowly he found back into reality.

His eyes were flowing over with tears, tears that ran down his cheeks in streams.

First he only heard her voice, couldn't focus, but did his best to follow the familiar sound,

calling out to him again and again. He fought through pictures and impressions, through

the thick mass of fear and agony that was clutching at him until he saw her.

"Kathryn," he rasped, his voice raw from his screaming, when he recognized the

features of the woman he'd just seen die in a ball of fire. Then, without any other word, he

pulled her into his arms.

When he said her name, she felt incredibly relieved. His scream had been like an ice-

cold hand, reaching out to her through bulkheads and into her sleeping mind, and had made

her jolt awake in terror. When he hadn't answered the door she felt frightened - even more

so when he then didn't react to her presence either. She had heard him wake in panic from

his nightmares often in the past weeks, if not months; it just had never been so bad.

Tonight was the for now grimmest peak of a too-slow, too-long buildup. Throughout

the past weeks Kathryn had always been there for him, and shaken him awake more times

than she could still count. Since they had stopped meeting with Tom and B'Elanna

regularly she also was the one listening to the fragments of stories he was telling. She

didn't know exactly why, but she partly felt responsible for his condition, and wanted to be

there for him.

Almost as often, whenever she sat at the edge of his bed while he was calming down,

he had wrapped his arms around her tightly and buried his face in her hair. She never

pulled away when he did that; he needed the comfort, and she wouldn't deny it to him.

So when he pressed her against him this time, she also stayed in his arms; although

he almost crushed her. When suddenly, unexpectedly, he started kissing her, she was too

shocked and confused to react at first. When he began to undress her, she wanted to

protest, but found herself unable to. He took what he needed and she let it happen. He

wasn't hurting her; even in his state, there was still a part of him that made sure he wouldn't

harm her. It wasn't brutal what he did. But it wasn't gentle either. It was hard and fast and

frantic and desperate. A panic-induced search for life beneath his fingers, a warm body

under his touch that assured him everything was okay. He felt her, and he held onto her,

wild and unrelenting, but with tears still streaming down his face. All she did was quietly

talk to him, caress his face, brush away his tears, kiss his hair when he buried his face in

the crook of her neck and climaxed.

Exhausted, physically and mentally, he fell down beside her afterwards. For endless

minutes, there was a deafening silence filling the room. Then he pulled her to him and

began to whisper "I'm sorry". Over and over again. He sobbed and apologized, and she

simply held him until he fell asleep.

He didn't dream again that night.

Chakotay didn't think he had ever woken up like this before. The women he slept

with - in either way - he was always protective of. He was just that kind of man. He would

hold the woman in his embrace and show her how much cared, even in his sleep.

Waking up with a woman, and such a petite one at that, spooned up behind him was

different, to say at least. It was so unusual that it at first added to his disorientation, the

confusion he felt when he left the realm of sleep. A slim arm was draped over his waist,

and a small hand held his firmly. He felt her breath on his back, right between his shoulder

blades, and he felt her silky hair tickling his neck. Most importantly, however, he felt her

soft, warm curves pressed against him - her naked skin on his.

Very slowly he detached himself from her sleeping form and left the bed. On

strangely unstable legs he walked into the bathroom, washing away the dizziness with cool

water; only then he returned to take a look at the woman who had just hugged him to her.

He froze when he recognized who it was.

His captain.

His Kathryn.

Chakotay's mind raced, thoughts whirling in his head. He couldn't remember what

had happened. He felt a latent headache throbbing behind his eyes, eyes that burned

slightly - as though he'd cried half the night. Looking sideways, his face met its reflection

in the bathroom mirror, and it showed him red-rimmed eyes and irritated skin on his

cheeks. So he had indeed cried. But why?

And how did Kathryn fit into that picture? A naked Kathryn in his bed, at that?

The longer he was looking at her, the more his musings receded; instead, his heart

warmed at the sight of her. She lay there, still sleeping soundly, snuggling into the blanket

- obviously missing the warmth of his body. She looked more peaceful than he could

remember to have ever seen her; relaxed and for once freed of her daily burden. For a

moment he wondered whether she always looked like this when she slept; if maybe she

could escape the insanity of their situation, their journey, at night, and if only for a few

hours. He wouldn't envy her that; she, of all people, was the one who deserved it most.

He didn't know how long he had watched her when she stirred and blinked. She

looked as disoriented as he had felt when he had woken up, but soon seemed to recognize

her surroundings. Turning, she found herself staring directly at him. Their eyes met and

held each other for countless minutes; only then she cleared her throat, averted her eyes,

even blushed a bit.

"You're awake," she stated the obvious, and pulled the sheet tighter around her body,

covering herself. "How are you feeling?"

"Groggy," he admitted, "exhausted. Like I had a rough night."

"You should go see the Doctor." She didn't say more; she just got up and collected

her clothes. Still standing naked in the doorway to his bathroom, he watched her with

irritation when she dressed awkwardly, the blanket draped around her shoulders. It took

him until she looked up at him again to answer.

"Why?" He wanted to know. The strange feeling that something wasn't right, by no

means right, overcame him, and he frowned. What really disturbed him was that he still

had no idea what it was.

"Trust me, Chakotay," she rose and walked over to him, now fully dressed in what he

recognized as her nightwear, "please, go see the Doctor." This time her voice was gentler,

her words less an order. She framed his face with her hands and caressed his cheeks with

her thumbs. The she turned away and left his quarters.

It had probably never taken him this long to put on his clothes ever before in his life,

but right then, his mind was too occupied to waste energy on physical actions, and so he

headed for sickbay only an hour later. The Doctor seemed to know exactly what to look for

and check before Chakotay could say anything; but when he told him that he didn't

remember anything, the EMH remained strangely quiet. He just sent him back to his

quarters with the order to rest. The first officer's protest fell on deaf ears.

Even though the crewmen he met in the corridors showed no signs of unusual

behavior - they all smiled and greeted him like they always did in eventless hours like this

one - the Indian couldn't shake the feeling that there was some big secret lurking around

the next edge, watching him, snickering at his obliviousness, only to carry on quickly as

soon as he came near it.

Instead for his quarters, he aimed for the captain's ready room. If the Doctor wasn't

answering his questions, surely Kathryn would; after all, she had been with him. Or so he

thought. Having no memory of the past night, he couldn't be sure what had really

happened; on the other hand, both of them naked in his bed didn't leave that much room for

interpretations.

Halfway to deck one, Janeway contacted him and asked him to come to her, so when

he approached the door to her ready room it opened immediately. Carefully he stepped

inside and waited for the doors to close again, all the while watching her as she sat at her

desk, seemingly engrossed in whatever showed on her computer screen.

"Captain, you wanted to see me?" He didn't know why he was so formal. But the fact

that she didn't acknowledge his presence at once irritated him. And even more so did her

answer.

"One second, Commander." That she was addressing him equally polite had him

actually worried then. Had he been intoxicated the night before and done something

stupid? Certainly that would demand a good explanation, because it definitely wasn't him.

He had never been a friend of alcohol and only drank a glass occasionally; most times

when Kathryn was around. But he had never once drunk more than two or three glasses,

and he had never lost control.

"Kathryn?" he tried, his voice low, as he now addressed her more personally. Finally

she faced him - and the look of sadness on her face shocked him. "Can we talk?" She

looked at him for a long moment; then she slowly shook her head.

"Later. Not now. After my shift."

"Kathryn... I don't know what-"

"It's okay, Chakotay." Again her voice was all business. Even with the hint of worry

in it, it was distant and professional. Her expression didn't give away anything, and he felt

his insides clench, making him sick. "I just wanted to know if you're feeling better and fit

for duty."

"I... do." He looked at her in bewilderment. Feeling better? "Though I don't

remember feeling bad," he couldn't help but add. The pain in her eyes was so evident that

moment it broke his heart, even more so because he didn't know the reasons for it.

Janeway allowed herself a guarded look at him. He was so blissfully unaware of

everything that had happened the night before - or all those nights in the past weeks. She

had spoken to the Doctor earlier; assumedly, Chakotay's last nightmare had activated some

kind of self-preserving mechanism in his mind and pushed him into amnesia. Added to

that, it must have been the actual last bad dream, as he had slept through without any

disturbance until morning. He had been as quiet as B'Elanna had reported Tom had been

the last night of his sleep-terrorizing pictures.

The most significant difference was that Tom didn't have sex with B'Elanna in that

night, or any other night after a nightmare - as far as she and the Doctor, whom she, as

uncomfortable as it had been, had to confide in, knew. And of course the younger man

didn't suffer from amnesia.

"That's good," the captain commented after a short while, "go and get some rest,

we'll see each other later." Her words sounded so final that the commander didn't dare to

contradict her; instead he nodded, turned and left the ready room.

Back in his quarters, he took a shower and drank his usual herbal tea before he went

to bed to rest as ordered, this strange exhaustion and sleepiness claiming him getting

stronger by the minute.

He slept peacefully until the computer woke him several hours later.

Her quarters were almost dark when he entered them this early evening. Only where

she sat in one of her armchairs a bit of illumination shone from the walls.

"Kathryn, are you all right?" He took a few tentative steps towards her, but stopped

when she held up her hand. Silently she motioned for him to sit, and he took his seat on the

end of the couch that was farthest away from her. Not that he liked to keep the distance;

but somehow her demeanor didn't seem to allow him something else.

"In the past weeks... you were plagued by nightmares," she began quietly when she

was sure she had his attention, skipping any verbosity and pleasantry. "Nightmares that got

worse with every passing day. I can't tell you what you were dreaming about; the Doctor

gave me permission to give you a rough outline of events, but asked me not to go into

details. We don't know what memories that could trigger. Tom had the same problem,

almost the same nightmares even. But it was just you two. And then, last night..."

"You were with me."

"I came over. When I heard you scream."

"Scream? They were that bad? Now I'm almost glad I can't remember them," he tried

to joke lightly, only to have every ounce of humor knocked out of him at her next words.

"They were... Chakotay, hadn't I known that you were suffering from nightmares - I

would have thought that you were tortured to death." Her first officer stared at her in shock

at her revelation.

"Why don't I remember anything?" He didn't really expect Kathryn to have an

answer to that question, but that didn't make it any less pressing or important. He obviously

had had a terrible time and now... now he couldn't even recall one single second of it. It all

seemed to be wiped away. He was swaying between being relieved and worried, and he

was fighting against whatever non-physical constriction was tightening his chest.

"Your last nightmare must have been so bad that your mind saw amnesia as the only

escape. Maybe otherwise you would have gone insane. What you described after the other

nights before was horrific. I don't know if even I want to know what your last nightmare

was about. And maybe it is better if you don't remember it." With a deep frown on his face,

Chakotay eyed her for a while, and she could see his mind work, search for any memory

that might have been forgotten when everything else was sealed away.

"There has to be something you can tell me. Anything that gives me an idea of what

all this was about. It's been several weeks, Kathryn - and they're missing from my life, my

memory! There's a blank in my life, and you can't leave me with it unfilled!"

"What do you expect me to do?"

"Tell me something, anything, that at least gives me an idea of what happened in the

past weeks."

"Nothing!" She momentarily lost her composure, and her friend saw that there was

something clearly weighing on her. She hid it quickly again, though, her captain's façade

slipping into place like an armor, a second skin. Much calmer, she continued, "Nothing

happened, Chakotay. The space we've been traveling through for the past few weeks is

unpopulated. We had to bypass a region that is politically unstable. We were warned when

we crossed the borders and plotted a course around their territories. Ever since then, there

hasn't happened much - except for the fact that you and Tom suddenly started having

nightmares with a regularity that it couldn't be a coincidence anymore."

"The Doctor?"

"Doesn't know anything. He examined both you and Tom countless times, but..." She

trailed off and shook her head. "Chakotay, we have no explanations whatsoever. No one

else was affected, and we didn't encounter any other species, phenomena or such. It was

just the two of you having the cruelest, most horrific nightmares, and they stopped as

suddenly as they had started. You told me what you had seen, but it never made any sense.

We cross-referenced visual clues with sensor data, but there was nothing that stood out in

any way. Whatever it was you saw, it has, with most certainty, nothing to do with our

journey."

"What about Tom, did you talk to him?"

"We all did, countless times. We sat together, you, Tom and B'Elanna, me. We

exchanged everything we knew, and you and Tom told about your dreams." Sighing,

Janeway got up and walking over to her replicator. She ordered a coffee for herself and a

tea for him, and returned to her seat, placing the teacup in the middle of the table.

Chakotay noticed how she continued to keep a physical distance just like she did

emotionally; he had to lean forward, almost stand up to get his cup.

"Tom still remembers, doesn't he? It doesn't make sense." He was frustrated, and she

obviously shared that feeling. He knew she wanted to give him answers, but he began to

understand that she was practically as clueless as him, except for her memory as an

observer and as someone who had heard his and Tom's stories.

"Nothing here makes sense, Chakotay. I wish it did. I wish I had answers,

explanations, resolutions. But I don't. We do everything we can to find out more; maybe

there is a hidden ship, a phenomenon the sensors need to be adjusted to detect it first, or

whatever. The Doctor keeps going through all the results he has. And if it doesn't help you

and Tom, then hopefully everyone else who might be affected at some time."

"I remember the small celebration after the completion of astrometrics lab, and how

the Doctor gave a lengthy speech," Chakotay pondered, his tone even and thoughtful, as if

voicing his thoughts and the remnants of his last memories before the time period his

amnesia covered helped him getting a better grab of everything. "We were both thinking

the same, probably like everyone else present..." A faint smile ghosted over his features,

but was gone again soon. "Then Tuvok called us to the bridge, much to our relief, and

everyone else left as well, claiming to better get back to their posts. When we arrived on

the bridge, there was a face... there was... this face..." Janeway didn't miss how his

breathing became quicker; how something was stirring up emotions inside him.

"Do you remember who this face belonged to?"

"I... It was... There was a name... his or his race's..." He growled and let his head fall

into his hands between his knees. "It's all a blank with some mist, but nothing remotely

clear enough. I don't know. I can't remember. I can't-"

"Shh, it's okay, Chakotay, you need time. The past weeks were anything but easy;

you mind will need to regenerate first. Try to be patient," the woman across from him

soothed him; however, she still kept her distance to him, instead of initiation physical

contact as a comforting gesture, like his was used to with her.

Resigned, the commander nodded, "You're probably right. I just hate being left in the

dark like this."

"I know how terrible it is. But maybe it's better for you to regenerate first before you

are confronted with the truths about this grueling time." She smiled at him then; it didn't

quite reach her eyes though, he noticed. Whatever it was, it had eaten at her as much as it

did at him now, even though he didn't even know everything.

"Kathryn, about... you were with me last night, and... did we-" She inhaled sharply at

his words, her expression gaining an almost panicky edge when she cut him off.

"Chakotay, I understand your confusion, and your desire to get as many information

as possible, but I'd prefer not to talk about it now." She hadn't yet dealt with it herself; how

was she supposed to talk about it to him then?

"But, Kathryn-"

"Please," she said, a mixture of resentment and a plea in her eyes. He was too

determined to be stopped by it, however.

"Listen, we can-" Her face hardened when she interrupted him this time.

"I'd like you to leave now, Commander." Her unexpected change in tone and

behavior shocked him, to say at least. Whatever had happened, it was bad enough to make

his best friend lose her normally unshakeable composure.

He frowned at her, seriously contemplating not leaving like this now, forcing her to

answer at least what he was sure she was able to, but decided against it in the end. The

look she gave him was enough to assure him that he would gain nothing by urging her

further. With a court nod, he turned and left.

Chapter 3

The morning was still young and her shift had just begun, but she wasn't just able to

concentrate on anything. Janeway was somewhere lost in her brooding, the conversation

with Chakotay from prior day's evening still playing in her mind while she stared out into

space and at stars flying by, an obligatory coffee cup cradled in between her hands, when

the sound of her ready room door chime startled her. She eyed the door for a moment,

actually opting to decline entry to whoever was asking permission to come in, but quickly

reminded herself of her position and her duties. She was the captain; some personal

problems mustn't interfere with her fitness for service.

"Come in," she so called, and looked curiously at B'Elanna Torres who entered the

room.

"Captain, do you have a minute?"

"Of course, lieutenant." She rose and pointed to her couch, indicating that Torres

should take place there. "Would you like some coffee?"

"Thanks," the younger woman nodded and smiled; then accepted the cup Janeway

handed her a few moments later. She studied the dark beverage intensely as her

commanding officer sat down next to her on the couch at the upper level. Silence stretched,

and Kathryn watched her chief engineer for a while, seeing and sensing her nervousness.

"What can I do for you, B'Elanna?" Only at her captain's words Torres took a deep

breath and readied herself to bring forth whatever was on her mind.

"Captain... permission to speak freely?"

Janeway instantly nodded. "Go ahead."

"You are always there for us when anyone of the crew needs you, needs someone.

We can always turn to you, day and night, with all our problems. The whole crew knows

that and loves you for that." The captain smiled gently at those words, touched deeply to

hear them for once spoken aloud by someone else than Chakotay. "And..." B'Elanna

frowned, thinking about how to say it. "It's no secret among the crew that you and

Chakotay are close and that he's the only person you turn to from time to time."

The half Klingon woman had said the sentence so fast that Janeway had to suppress a

laugh, doing her best to keep a straight face. She really wondered where this was going,

and her curiosity kept her from pointing out that this was invading her privacy a bit too

much. On the other hand - there was nothing wrong about the captain keeping a close

relationship to her first officer. Most commanding duos she knew of shared a deep bond of

trust and friendship. It was, after all, essential to their ability to fulfill their missions.

"Captain..." Torres finally went on after a moment of silence, "some of us are

wondering... Chakotay's condition is weighing on you; everyone can see that. And...

without wanting to cross any line, I'd like to offer you an open ear, whenever you should

need one. You were taking care of the commander, just like I was doing with Tom. But

Tom's fine now, contrary to Chakotay, and you... you can't go on like this and help him

without any support." The younger woman took a deep breath after she'd finished; then she

looked at her captain expectantly.

What she saw in her commanding officer's eyes could only be described as deep

affection, aimed towards her. Hadn't it been so inappropriate for her, she certainly would

have hugged B'Elanna in that moment. It was good to know that there was someone she

could turn to; and still, she also knew that she couldn't do it.

Or could she?

Over the past years, she had often wondered how she was supposed to hold herself

upright - mentally - when there really were a few decades still to come on their journey.

She was strong, yes, but even her strength had its limits. Janeway had lived long enough,

seen just as much, to be not as presumptuous as to believe she could really manage all this

alone for the next forty-or-so years. The first four years had been hard and often tested the

boundaries of what she was able to take without breaking. Sure, she had Chakotay, and

maybe also Tuvok, but some day, that wouldn't be enough anymore.

And just sometimes she wondered where her own refusal to create a closer bond to

her crew, and especially the senior officers, came from. Of course it wasn't usual, and of

course the captain was supposed maintain some distance to his or her crew. But that

applied to normal circumstances only. And nothing about their situation was normal.

Even though B'Elanna was right about her turning to Chakotay when she needed

some advice, some second opinion, she still made her decisions alone. She was the captain,

after all.

A captain without any support from higher authorities.

Without realizing it, what she had intended to be an inward sigh turned into a loud, if

not heavy one. In almost the same second she looked up at B'Elanna, shocked at her own

revelation and openness - even though it had only been a wordless one. Still, it had been a

sign of weakness she always tried so hard to hide.

It came as a surprise, somehow, what happened next. Or didn't happen. The world

didn't fell apart, the universe didn't implode. Time didn't stop just because Kathryn

Janeway had showed some weakness. Humanity. Also, there was no pity in B'Elanna's

eyes. Only this special kind of warmth everyone who cared would show.

"I'm really grateful for the offer, B'Elanna. I absolutely appreciate it. But I..." She

trailed off before she could decline, again re-thinking her own pondering quickly. Coming

to a decision, she took a deep breath before she continued: "I might come back to your

offer." She covered the younger woman's hand that lay on the couch between them with

hers and squeezed it slightly. "Thank you, B'Elanna," she added quietly; then she stood.

Torres, understanding the gesture, rose as well and nodded with a smile before leaving the

ready room.

Kathryn fell back into the cushions, closing her eyes for a moment. She had every

intention of sorting her own thoughts and contemplating thoroughly whether she really

needed an open ear - that of a subordinate, no less, something that, despite being touched

by the offer, still gave her a funny feeling in the stomach. She was eternally grateful for the

other woman's offer and knew that, if there was anyone who could understand her

situation, it was B'Elanna.

And she realized that for the moment it was all that mattered.

"Janeway to Lieutenant Torres."

"Torres here."

"B'Elanna, would you come to my quarters this evening and have dinner with me?

1900 hours." Kathryn could hear her chief engineer's smile when she answered.

"Of course, Captain, I will be there. Torres out."

At precisely 1900 hours, Janeway's door chime rang. The vegetable lasagna just

materialized in the replicator, and the captain called for Torres to come in while she

retrieved the dish and placed it on the table.

"Good evening, Captain," greeted the half Klingon woman and took a few reluctant

steps into the room; she had never been in the captain's quarters before, and even though

she occasionally butted heads with her commanding officer, she still had a deep respect for

the older woman. Entering these quarters felt like a huge privilege, and her body language

must have given away her thoughts, as Janeway walked over to her and smiled invitingly.

"Contrary to common belief, I don't bite. At least not my own crew," she winked.

And the ice was broken. B'Elanna chuckled lightly, gave her captain the wine Tom had

advised her to bring, and both women sat down at the nicely set table.

They started easy, with small talk, ship business, some updates on the engineering

team, even one or two gossipy stories. Dinner wasn't supposed to lay heavy in their

stomachs, so conversation served to it was light and off every dangerous or too emotional

territory.

That changed when they relocated to the sitting area with their wine glasses in their

hands. They both took place on the couch, and when Janeway got comfortable by folding

one leg under the other and leaning back sideways against the back of the sofa, B'Elanna

mimicked the position, facing her captain.

Tapping her fingertip against the glass and eliciting a faint ringing sound from the

material, Torres finally took the courage to try and end the dancing around the subject that

had initially brought them together for this evening.

"Captain, I don't suppose you invited me for some chit-chat or, you know..."

"Girl talk?" She matched the smirk on Janeway's face at that, and nodded yes.

"You must know, I'm not very good at that," B'Elanna admitted, and the woman

across from her gave a short laugh.

"Don't worry, neither am I. Even though my sister often tried to get me there. I'm just

not that kind of... girl."

"I had no idea you had a sister." The captain's look became distant, and she stared out

of the viewport at the stars flying by.

"Phoebe. She is three years younger than me. But... we're very different. She's an

artist, while I'm the scientist. We never had much contact when I was still... in

communications range. Now... I miss her." It wasn't exactly information that would have

demanded a high security clearance, but probably something everyone could have read in

the captain's personnel file, and yet felt B'Elanna honored that her commanding officer was

so open as to tell her about her sister.

"When I was younger I always wished for a sibling... someone like me so the other

kids wouldn't treat me like some..." She huffed. "Some alien. Today, however... I'm glad

that there isn't just another person to miss. I can settle with the feeling of having my

friends, my... family here on Voyager. And I have Tom, which is most valuable."

The mention of Tom brought Janeway back to the topic at hand. This evening was

meant to serve a purpose.

"B'Elanna... I hope you don't mind my asking, but - what exactly happened when

Tom had his nightmares? Anything... specific, anything distinctive, maybe only in one or

two nights? Was at any time something different that never happened again, and hadn't

before?" Janeway stared at the swirling liquid in her wine glass when she asked the

question. She knew that the other woman would suspect more behind it, but hoped she

would let it go for the moment and just answer. She hadn't yet decided how much she was

going to tell B'Elanna, especially regarding that last nightmare Chakotay had had, and the

events afterwards. But if there were similarities...

"No... it was the same, every time. He had a nightmare, trashed around the bed and

sometimes mumbled, talked or even screamed, and then I woke him up - if he didn't jolt

awake himself. He was disoriented every time, but recovered quickly and went back to

sleep when it wasn't morning already." Janeway studied Torres thoughtfully, considering

her next words; but B'Elanna already spoke again before she could say anything. "Captain,

are you thinking of anything concrete?"

"I was just... wondering if there was anything in Tom's behavior, anything that was

unusual, not him maybe."

"You mean besides his nightmares?"

"And the 'routine' that came with them, yes." B'Elanna's frown and narrowed eyes

made it clear that if she didn't have suspicions about her commanding officer's questions

yet, she had them now.

"Captain, if there is anything you-"

"I'm... just asking, B'Elanna." The younger woman accepted it for the moment, and

thought through all those nights she, despite there being a good number of them,

remembered vividly. In the end, she could only shake her head.

"No, I'm sorry, I don't think there was anything that qualifies as unusual, other than

the nightmares themselves. It was just as I have told you; every night the same routine,

with slight variances maybe, but in general, it went like this each and every time."

"It's just... when Chakotay had his very last nightmare, he..." The captain trailed off;

she couldn't possibly tell B'Elanna about this. It was too personal, too intimate, and

something she wasn't sure she could have told her best friend; much less a woman who

was a member of her crew and maybe a close acquaintance, but no one she would call a

friend yet. Even if B'Elanna shared some of her experiences as far as "their" men's bad

dreams were concerned.

"He... acted differently?" Kathryn didn't miss the gently probing note in the other

woman's voice, offering an open ear and no judgment whatsoever. She felt like she was

offered immunity in some way; to be free of her captain's person and be only the woman

and human being behind it for a short while.

"He wasn't himself." The shallow breathing B'Elanna noticed in Janeway's words

already told tales of something that had badly gone wrong. Added to that, the captain did

her best to avoid Torres' eyes, focusing on her glass, the candle on the coffee table, or the

coffee cup with by now cold coffee next to it.

"We don't have a counselor on this ship, and while I, or the Doctor, or whoever,

should probably advice you to consult at least a simulated counselor on the holodeck, I

think that the best therapist is still a living and breathing being. Captain... everyone knows

that with us being your subordinates, this isn't easy for you. But I had my share of difficult

times in my life, and I've seen quite a lot. You may think that anyone of us thinks any less

of you just because you show some weakness. But that isn't true. I had to learn first that

talking about what weighs on you makes you a better person in the end."

Déjà vu, B'Elanna thought after she had finished her little speech and waited for her

captain's reaction. Just like earlier this day in the ready room, a long silenced stretched

between the women. The half Klingon wasn't all that sure she wanted to guess what had

happened in that night. She knew Chakotay pretty well and considered him a good friend,

even a brotherly figure of some kind, but right now she feared that he had done something

stupid, that he had maybe hurt the captain in a fit of panic or rage. Voyager's commanding

officer was everything but the strong and self-confidant woman she knew in this moment,

and if Janeway herself didn't do it then, certainly B'Elanna cursed her captain's position

and them being so far away from home more than at any other time.

"I was woken by his scream that night, just like in so many other nights before,"

Janeway suddenly began, snapping Torres out of her musings. "I went over to his quarters,

and had to let myself in because he didn't answer the door. But this time, he also didn't

wake at once when I came to him; it took me a few seconds to shake him awake, which

was different. I had never had problems to wake him before. When he finally came to, he

hugged me. I thought... I thought he was going to crush me."

"This... wasn't the end, right?" B'Elanna didn't think she had ever heard her own

voice as quiet and hesitant as it was when she said those words. Not sure what to expect,

she carefully shifted closer to her captain, but was stopped by a hand held up. On the older

woman's face she saw that it took her every bit of courage to be so open and say what she

was going to, but she needed to do that 'on her own'.

"B'Elanna, this can never leave this room, do you understand that?"

"You know you don't need to ask, Captain."

"I know. I'm sorry, B'Elanna. What happened, it's... Chakotay had hugged me before;

so that wasn't surprising. After his nightmares, he needed the comfort, which was okay

with me. I was there to comfort him. But this time... he... he just started kissing me. All of

a sudden." She saw the other woman's eyebrows shoot upwards, and gave a bitter laugh.

"He slept with me."

Had B'Elanna still held her wine glass in her hand, it would have dropped to the floor

then.

"Wh-" Torres coughed slightly; several seconds passed until the words really reached

her brain. Then, however, staying calm anymore was out of question. "He did what?!" she

outright yelled and jumped up from her seat, face twisted with anger. "That p'tach! How

could he ever dare... Tell me that's not..." Only her captain's reaction, or lack thereof, that

she didn't move even an inch during the younger woman's outburst, had Torres freeze in

her tirade momentarily and allowed Janeway a few, albeit simple, words.

"Please calm down, B'Elanna." Her voice was strong, her feelings not betraying it,

but the half Klingon read enough in the other woman's body language to understand how

upset she really was. Sitting down again while breathing in deeply and releasing this breath

very slowly through pursed lips, she bought herself some time to find the right response. If

there was one.

"You said that he... it wasn't... consensual, was it?" Torres' voice was restrained, her

breathing shaky, when she tried to keep her rage in check, even though same temper

slowly began to fade. Kathryn let out a long breath, and she didn't really need to hear the

answer; she hadn't even needed to ask the question, actually. The older woman still replied,

if only with a simple shake of her head.

Janeway was equally surprised and thankful when no display of sympathy came. No

"I'm sorry", no touch of a hand, no pitiful look. Just a neutral but thoughtful expression

showed on the other one's face after she had calmed down again, and what evidence that

she was processing the information and contemplating a fitting response. And that she

understood.

"He didn't hurt you." It was no question this time, but a statement. B'Elanna knew

that her commanding officer would have been in a much greater state of distress had

Chakotay really done any harm to her. In fact, despite her slight confusion, Janeway didn't

show any signs of distress. Of course she was upset, but not in the way brutally sexually

assaulted women she had seen too many of had been.

"He may not have asked me whether I wanted it, but his intention behind this

intercourse had been none to harm me. From the very beginning, the moment he started

kissing me, I never felt fear. I know I would have sensed malice if there had been any, but

there was still a lot of the man I know inside."

"The man who loves you too much to let anything happen to you," the half Klingon

murmured, more to herself - before she realized what she had just spoken aloud. Her hand

flew to her mouth in shock. "I'm sorry, Captain, I'm crossing a line here, and I-"

"It's all right, B'Elanna," Kathryn stopped her mid-sentence, allowing herself the

thought that the other woman was right and she knew it all too well. They both did. In the

past weeks and months they had spent a lot of time together, the four of them, and Janeway

wasn't so gullible to think that B'Elanna - and probably Tom as well - hadn't noticed what

she herself couldn't deny anymore. They had become closer, her and Chakotay - closer

than it was yet appropriate for a commanding duo, for friends. The tension between them

had grown immensely, surpassing even what had once existed back on New Earth. She had

come to realize that she was ready to take the next step, that shutting herself off from the

rest of her crew just because she was the captain and needed distance wouldn't do her any

good in the long view. In the end, it had only been his condition that had held them back

from acting on their feelings.

"What are you going to do now?" Torres brought her back from her musings.

"To be serious, I have no idea. I need to talk to Chakotay, but..."

"You also need to sort this out for yourself first." Janeway nodded slowly.

"There is a lot that needs to be said, and I think that, sooner or later, I owe Chakotay

the truth. If he never remembers... Should I tell him of the past months when the Doctor

advises me to? Should I tell him everything, or rather keep some things from him so his

inner peace won't be disturbed again? Should I..."

"You have plenty of time for that, Captain," stated B'Elanna softly, willing to ease

the other woman's mind.

"Not necessarily. He's already asking about... he... He may not remember the night or

everything else before it, but when he woke up the morning after, his mind was clear. And

understandably he wants an explanation for me being in his bed." The half Klingon

frowned then, wondering why Janeway hadn't just left the quarters after the incident, and

the captain recognized the unspoken question she'd already been pondering herself - even

though rationally, the answer was quite simple. "I didn't want to leave him, but be there for

him. I was... frightened for him, his well-being. And he seemed to calm down while he

held me. So..."

"I understand," Torres nodded, assuming that having a person who was so dear to

him close would help his troubled mind. She would have stayed with Tom, no matter what.

When you loved someone...

Picking up her wine glass to drink the remaining sip, she saw her hostess fail to

suppress a yawn.

"I'm sorry," Janeway apologized, her usual habit of fearing to show weakness

returning for a moment.

"No need to be. That was a hell of a day, and even more of a last few weeks. If I

may, Captain - you should get some rest. But if you need someone to listen or talk to..."

Kathryn smiled when B'Elanna left the sentence open; it didn't need to be said, but both

women understood the sentiment. After just a hint of hesitation, Torres reached for her

captain's hand and squeezed it quickly, before she rose from the couch.

"Good night, Captain. Sleep well." The older woman, having left her seat as well, led

her guest to the door.

"Thank you, B'Elanna. For everything. And good night to you, too."

Chapter 4

It was late already, B'Elanna had left some time ago and Janeway was about to go to

bed when an unknown visitor demanded her attention by ringing the door chime.

Hesitating for just a second, she eventually walked over to her quarter's entrance and

touched the panel to open the door.

She wasn't sure whether she was surprised when she found Chakotay outside. He

looked like he'd just been about to call it a night, only dressed in sweatpants and a shirt, but

then had thought the better of it and come over.

She stepped back wordlessly, and he entered slowly, seemingly unsure of himself.

Only when the door had closed again, she spoke.

"Something I can do for you, Commander?" Her voice was controlled; friendly and

not cold, but still distanced. He had no idea she was trying to maintain this distance to keep

herself from telling him things he mustn't know now, and to give him time to get his

memories back, by himself and hopefully slowly.

"I'm sorry to disturb you at this late hour, but I felt that..." He trailed off, searching

for the right words. Words she found automatically as she turned away and stepped away

to stand in front of her viewport.

"We need to talk? We can do that, but not today, Chakotay. I'm tired. I suggest you

come to my ready room tomorrow and-"

"Kathryn, this is ridiculous," he cut her off, anger rising inside him. "You can't avoid

me without at least telling me a reason. You can't just push me away and don't-"

"We had sex." His mouth dropped open at her confession. She was still not looking

at him, but standing with her back to him. He could however see the slight shaking of her

shoulders.

"What?"

"After your nightmare, you were confused and desperate, and then you suddenly...

you..." Kathryn stopped, not sure how to formulate it. She hadn't meant to tell him at all;

the words had fallen from her lips before she could do anything about it. How was she

supposed to tell him that he had taken from her what she knew he needed then? They were

a lot more than just best friends, and this would make everything even more complicated.

"I raped you." All he could do was swallow repeatedly to keep himself from

throwing up.

"No," she said firmly and whirled around, finally facing him. "God, no, Chakotay,

please don't think that. I could have stopped you, I could have walked away. You didn't

hurt me and you didn't force yourself on me without taking care first that..." She took a

shuddering breath. "That I was ready." Pain and regret showed in her features. "If anything,

I was the one who... I should have stopped you. I feel like I used you, and in some way I

probably did. Maybe we used each other. But however you put it, I was the one in control,

and I failed to do the right thing. I'm sorry."

He rubbed his hands over his face, taking deep breaths. It couldn't be true. Kathryn

would never lie to him, but this... how was he supposed to expect her to ever forgive him?

How was he supposed to forgive himself? There was something unspoken between them,

had been for a long time, and over the years, they had taken tentative steps towards each

other, towards whatever might still await them in their friendship, their companionship -

their relationship.

When Janeway walked over to him and raised her hand to touch his face, he found

himself backing away.

"Please, Kathryn, I..." He saw the hurt in her eyes even though she tried to hide it and

put her usual mask back into place, and he regretted his rejection immediately. "I can't, I...

In whatever way, I violated you," he shook his head when she opened her mouth to protest,

"however you see it. Even if you say that I didn't hurt you, I still didn't have your consent.

And for me..." Chakotay's voice died in his throat when tears threatened flow from his eyes

once again. When she attempted to touch him this time, he allowed it. Gently she rubbed

his upper arm and let her hand then come to rest over his heart in a familiar gesture.

"Please don't do that to yourself, Chakotay. It will only make this harder, for both of

us."

He couldn't help himself then; the moment she took another half-step towards him,

he pulled her into his arms and hugged her to him, as close and tight as he could. She

returned the embrace, wrapped her arms around his strong body and felt him bury his face

in her neck, just like he had done in that night. Only that this time it was real, it was him, in

full possession of his mind and conscience. And she realized just how good it felt.

They stood like this for what could have been ages, but were only mere seconds,

before he released her, although he didn't let go of her entirely. They were millimeters

apart when they stared at each other, their thoughts on a rollercoaster of possibilities and

probabilities, of memories and what-ifs. In the end it was Chakotay who broke their eye

contact and stepped back.

"Thank you for being so honest with me, Kathryn. It means a lot to me," he told her

quietly, his eyes full of sincere gratefulness.

"There's nothing to thank me for, Chakotay," she replied, a warm smile on her face,

reassuring him that she was okay; that they were okay. He only nodded at that, accepting

her words.

"Good night."

"Good night."

He turned to her door and stepped out of her quarters, and she waited for the door to

close again before she let out a deep sigh. There was much that would need some restoring

and rebuilding, and as of now, she didn't know how they would do it. Even if she was okay

with what had happened - and she was, she had told him the truth there - she knew that he

was deeply hurt by his own actions. This was a fine mess she had maneuvered them into.

With another sigh - this was becoming a bad habit - she turned away from the door,

but was stopped midway when her door chime rang once again. At her permission, the

door opened to reveal Chakotay, looking as if he had never left, and unceremoniously he

stepped back inside. His dark eyes told of a raging war inside his mind as he fought with

himself and coming to terms with his actions.

"Kathryn, how can I ever..." Her fingertips against his lips silenced him.

"It is all right. Really, Chakotay. I know you would never intentionally hurt me. I

knew that all the time. And you didn't. Even then, even with your mind clouded, you didn't

hurt me." For the first time, Chakotay looked at her - really looked at her - when she

emphasized the words.

"It wasn't me..."

"And yet, it was. Maybe the action wasn't yours, but the heart behind it, restraining

you, was." He shook his head and Janeway expected him to once again doubt her words.

She didn't expect him to take a step forward and lean down to press his lips to hers while

wrapping his arms around her.

The kiss was incredibly gentle, and Kathryn felt tears pool in her eyes. His

tenderness, the way he held her, protectively enclosed her in his arms, how his lips

whispered over hers - it warmed and broke her heart at the same time. In the few stolen

moments when she had allowed herself to let her mind wander, think about what they

maybe could have, she had always known that he would be a gentle, generous lover. And

just now, and even though he was only kissing her, he proved her to be right.

It was clear to her that he simply wanted to show her how it could and should have

been between them, who he really was, what he had rather given her. Something he had

been preserving for her ever since New Earth, to share with her whenever she was ready.

He had been waiting for this moment, quietly showing her his love, letting her know that

he was there, patient and understanding, and she had always been thankful for it, for him

giving her the time and space she needed; even accepting that she would never be able to

conquer this overwhelming feeling of responsibility that suppressed everything else.

In that moment, the ever-present voice of duty remained silent when she hesitantly,

carefully surrendered to him. But right then two personalities inhabited him, and so he

pulled away all too soon, backing away to bring some distance between them as a pained

expression formed on his face.

"Forgive me, Kathryn, I shouldn't have-" He stopped himself abruptly and left her

quarters so quickly it looked as though he was fleeing from her, from them, from whatever

was happening between them. Janeway could only stare to where he had been standing a

few seconds before, confusion and just the slightest bit of desperation inside her waiting to

be noticed, to be addressed, while her mind still progressed what had occurred, and what,

in all logic, should come next.

To hell with logic.

She groaned and rubbed her hands over her face, her heart going out to the man

whose soul was so terribly tormented. She couldn't let him fight this battle with himself; he

would torture, maybe even destroy himself. She should never have told him what had

happened that night; at least not the part about them having sex, and, strictly speaking,

non-consensual one at that.

Barefoot and in her sleeping attire, she left her quarters and crossed the short distance

to his door unseen by anyone at this late evening hour. He gave her permission to enter

immediately, and she found him sitting on the floor, his medicine bundle opened in front of

him.

"May I?" He nodded, and his eyes never left her as she sat down cross-legged next to

him. He wasn't proceeding then with his vision quest, nor was he offering her to try again

what she had done only once years ago. He just looked at her, thoughtfully, intensely. For

long minutes, she contemplated what to say while she stared at his akoonah, an object that

for some reason emanated an air of calmness and peace for her.

"'So full was I of slumber at that point where I abandoned the true way.' Do you

remember those words?"

Chakotay nodded. "Dante," he only commented, looking down at his medicine

bundle.

"But it is not always the way to hell one wrong step brings you onto, even if it

appears so for the moment." Gently, carefully, her hand sought his and touched it lightly,

and with relief she noticed that he wasn't pulling away. "Hell is what we make of it."

"Way to hell or not, in neither world I would have been forgiven for what I have

done." The bitterness in his voice knifed her heart, and she felt at a loss as to how to make

it clear to him that all his guilt and misery were misplaced.

"But only one world counts - our world. And no one is blaming or judging you here."

He realized that she wasn't talking about their time, their reality, the waking world,

or Voyager - but actually about the two of them. The realm where their friendship, their

relationship existed. When she took his hand and rose, nudging him to follow suit, he

didn't hesitate. He came to stand in front of her and she looked up at him, smiling tenderly.

"You are my friend. My best friend. And come heaven, come hell, I stand by your

side, just like you stand by mine. You didn't betray me, you didn't misuse my trust. It was

nothing more than your pained soul taking control for a while. But as I said, there was still

heart in it, and it was your heart." She let go of his hand and instead framed his face before

she continued, speaking softly, "You are one of the kindest, gentlest persons I've ever met.

You are not capable of hurting anyone of your friends. It's all I need to know." She ended

her speech to another long-stretching quiet, another moment of mouths remaining silent

while souls spoke.

When he kissed her this time, he didn't pull back again. Not to end this loving

encounter, anyways.

This time, they both needed it. Maybe Kathryn hadn't come to his quarters because

she hoped for a follow-up, for him ending what he had started earlier with his first kiss.

But she didn't fight against it, either. She allowed herself to let go and fall. Into his arms.

And into his love.

He peeled her clothes from her body piece after piece, showering every new inch of

skin with kisses and feathery light touches, worshipping her, body and soul. Kathryn

wanted to return the favor, to learn about him and undress him, reveal the golden skin

underneath, but he wouldn't let her. Every time her hands and arms made an attempt to

move, he would hold her back, stop her and then claim her lips in just another kiss, a

loving distraction she willingly fell for.

When nothing but her bare porcelain skin remained, he lifted her into his arms and

carefully placed her on his bed, the handmade duvet soft as velvet against her naked body.

She closed her eyes and sighed; breathed in deeply the scent surrounding her that was

uniquely him. Only when she looked up at him again, she found him watching her silently

in the semi-darkness, his face half covered in shadows as he admired her with his eyes. She

resisted the sudden urge to pull the blanket around her nude body, but Chakotay must have

sensed her slight discomfort, and sat down beside her, his hand cupping her cheek.

"You are so beautiful, Kathryn. So beautiful," he whispered and leaned down to

press his lips to her forehead, before wandering down, over her eyes, her cheeks, to her

mouth. This time, it was a leisure kiss that soon grew into something new, something

passionate, something that took both their breaths away and made them gasp when they

finally parted.

The hand that had just been holding her face now glided down, over her shoulder,

playfully skimming her breast, and came to rest on her stomach, the heat from the big hand

covering most of her belly making her nerve endings dance and causing her to shiver at an

sensation she couldn't yet understand. His fingers tapped lightly against her skin and

tickled her, but also created a rush of feelings that went to her head just like it went down

between her legs.

Chakotay didn't leave her the chance to give it much further thought when his mouth

began to wander yet again, seeking out all the sensitive spots he had mapped and

memorized during his first exploration before; his tongue down her neck, his lips nipping

at her collarbone, his teeth lightly grazing the delicate skin of her breasts before his lips

closed around one puckered peak.

The woman subject to his skilled ministrations moaned and sighed, one of her hands

lifting to rest at the back of his head, to hold him in place where he didn't want to leave

anyways. Her perfect round mounds felt far too wonderful under his touch.

He alternated between giving first the one, then the other breast some attention, only

to repeat the action several times, never giving the wetted buds the chance to cool too

much, his tongue twirling and teasing and massaging so much that Kathryn began to lift

her chest to press into his touch even more.

Meanwhile, his hardness against her leg created just another sensation she somehow

had to cope with, and more and more, she felt overwhelmed by all those feelings befalling

her - it simply had been too long since a man had given her so much attention, and she

began to lose control over her body's almost violent reaction to him.

Sliding her hand over her own body, her fingers closed in on his erection and

touched it lightly through the thin cloth of his sweatpants. Unprepared for it, he jerked and

gently bit down on one of her nipples, at which she moaned in pain and pleasure. He

murmured an apology against her skin, but she only pulled his head up and him into

another kiss while her hand worked its way up his body beneath his shirt.

Only unwillingly he ended his sweet feast on her mouth to lose the piece of clothing

and bare his upper body to her eager fingers, waiting to touch his warm skin and firm

muscles while he leaned back over her, his tongue grazing her lips before beginning

another downwards journey. In a smooth and elegant movement, he drifted deeper along

her in lust squirming form, all the while his hands and mouth continued to roam her body.

She lifted her head to follow him as he worked his way closer to where she anticipated his

touch most, and sensing her watching him, he tenderly kissed her belly while locking his

eyes with hers.

"Open your legs for me, Kathryn," he murmured against her skin, and held his eyes

fixated on her darkened orbs even when he lifted his head; asking permission with words

and eyes equally. She complied without hesitation, letting her thighs fall apart to reveal her

glistening womanhood, her dark curls soaked with her arousal. He moved to kneel between

her legs, then leaned forward and landed his lips just above her navel before gliding down,

lower and lower, until he could slip his tongue between her folds; only his hand that had

returned to rest on her stomach kept her from completely bucking off the bed. The same

hand now crept down so its thumb was able to reach the bundle of nerves that waited to be

touched and fondled.

Kathryn exhaled sharply, her fingers fisting the duvet and whatever else they could

reach. Ripples of passion washed over her - and she hadn't yet climaxed. Her head pressed

back into the pillow, her mind was solely focused on his mouth that was doing wonders to

her, and his free hand gliding up and down her leg, caressing inside and out and

heightening her arousal with his soft, almost tickling touch. The hand on her stomach left

its place momentarily, and she felt him pull her legs further apart, giving him better access

when he played his tongue along her opening before dipping inside her hot sheath.

The thumb of his hand that had returned to her belly was nudging and massaging her

clitoris, never pausing, never stopping, but constantly pushing her higher while his tongue

mimicked motions his hips would later repeat. She tumbled along the edge for a while,

never quite falling, but still feeling weightless, an angel dancing on the tip of the devil's

trident, waiting for the sin to happen, waiting for the inevitable mutual embrace.

It came like a hard blow, expected and yet surprising. Kathryn felt it come, literally.

She pressed herself against his hand and mouth, rushing towards her climax that promised

to be different from any previous orgasm she had ever experienced. He found a particular

sensitive spot just above her entrance and alternated between rubbing this and her clitoris,

and it was her undoing.

Her eyes flew open and her lips parted for a scream that never came when her vocal

cords, with the impact of her pleasurable heights, forgot how to make sounds. Her body

convulsed and wound while Chakotay continued to stroke her, and a long moan that soon

turned into a whimpering sigh escaped her when she came down slowly, her breathing fast;

he heard her trying to get control of it again, and of her other senses, sighing another few

times while she rolled her head around and stretched her body like a cat.

A fine layer of sweat covered her flushed skin; she seemed to shine in the dim lights

finding its way around the room from a faintly glowing wall panel. Right then, she looked

like she wasn't from this world, this universe or reality, but some fairy-like being, as

beautiful as erotic.

Slowly he slid up along her body, leaving a trail of kisses until he reached her lips

and caressed them with his, playfully teasing her with his tongue. Kathryn reacted lazily,

still exhausted from her orgasm and needing her time to come to. She tasted herself in his

mouth - something that was unfamiliar to her since she had never wanted it in her younger

years and had never been offered it later. But the odd and yet somewhat intriguing taste

and the thought that it was brought to her by the man who held a special place in her heart

and who had just pleasured her so skillfully sent a renewed wave of arousal through her.

It took her a moment to become aware of him watching her after he had ended the

kiss; she opened her eyes to find his darkened orbs looking down at her with so much

adoration and affection it took her breath away. She smiled up at him, and he matched the

happiness showing on her face, letting one finger trail over her face.

She moved to push him onto his back then, to give back what she had just received,

but he held her fast in place, shaking his head.

"No, Kathryn," he stopped her, "this is for you." She tried to protest, but he simply

did what had worked as a distraction before - he claimed her lips in a deep, passionate kiss.

He moved above her doing that, his erection nudging at her nether lips, and he carefully

rubbed against her to wet himself. Instinctively she spread her legs wider, inviting him in,

knowing from their first night that she could take him, despite her long abstinence and her

narrowness, as well as his rather impressive girth.

"Chakotay?" she whispered when he readied himself to enter her. He looked at her

curiously, and leaned into her touch when she cupped his cheek. "Leave your eyes open. I

want to see you." He nodded, understanding without asking what was behind her request;

this was supposed to be different from their involuntary first time, in every sense. He was

himself, every fiber of his being was all too aware what he was doing, and he was going to

show her how long he had been desiring this.

Positioning himself at her entrance, he locked his eyes with hers before he started to

slowly push in, searching for any signs of discomfort in her face, reading her as she was

baring her soul to him while he completed their joining, filling her to the hilt. Kathryn's

hands were stroking his back and shoulders, and she was panting heavily when his

movements that had begun with long, slow strokes became faster in no time. To allow him

a better angle, she wrapped her legs around his waist and rose her hips to meet him,

rocking in a perfect rhythm with him.

And all the time, they held each other's eyes, a silent exchange where spoken words

weren't needed. Chakotay leaned down and kissed her gently, caressed her lips more than

capturing them really, just letting them touch for a moment, letting their breath mingle.

Their eyes remained open, though the closeness let them lose focus until Chakotay lifted

his head again. His thrusting became shallower, quicker yet, and Kathryn felt the heat in

her belly and between her legs increase, her own movements becoming equally more

frantic.

Chakotay stared at her in awe when her eyes began to flutter with her approaching

orgasm; she couldn't keep them open anymore, couldn't stop the pleasure from

overwhelming her. Her face a mask of passion; never had he dreamed of ever seeing it.

When her arms fell from his body, her hands in fists, he stroked along the limbs and

loosened her clutching fingers, entwining them with his and holding her, his hips never

once refraining from their thrusting.

His name was a moan from the depth of her throat when she balanced on the

threshold to her climax, and he plunged into her harder, brushing her clitoris with his

pelvic bone, until finally, the sounds from her turned into a low squealing as ecstasy befell

her. Her body pushed up against his while her walls clamped down on his manhood,

massaging him to his own height, and he groaned when he felt the tell-tale strain in his

groin before he exploded inside her. She felt his release flowing into her, leaving her

panting and whimpering when its heat added to her own burning.

Only barely Chakotay held himself above her, his weight on his legs and elbows

when he stole himself another kiss from her lips, bringing her to open her eyes again.

Her lids, heavy from this wonderful exhaustion that consumed her, moved only

slowly, but Kathryn lifted them nevertheless and met his kind eyes, his handsome face over

her, and she decided for herself that she never wanted to see another face. Not after love-

making, not when she woke up, or went to sleep. Maybe the captain still had to come to

terms with it, but Kathryn knew now what she wanted and needed in her life.

Willingly she snuggled into him and his arms when he laid down behind her and

hugged her body to his after he had pulled the comforter over their cooling bodies. Her

hand sought his from the arm that was wrapped around her, and she knotted their fingers

together, her thumb stroking his wrist when she drifted off to sleep.

It was right this time, thought Chakotay as he pressed a kiss to her neck; he was

doing what he usually did - embrace and protect the woman he loved. And he swore to

himself that he would do so, not only for this night, but for the rest of his life.

Chapter 5

The difference when he woke up the next morning was significant. Kathryn was still

sleeping, lying in his arms, their hands holding each other just like they'd fallen asleep after

their love-making. Had he ever wondered what had been missing in the past years, now he

knew it.

It was the Starfleet captain, this incredible woman he had fallen in love with - so

unbidden and yet so willingly.

She must have sensed him being awake already because she stirred only minutes

later when he hugged her just that tiniest bit closer to him and buried his face in her soft

hair, breathing in what he never wanted to forget again. He remembered the times he had

spent far away from civilization, just him and nature, and how alive the world had smelled

after a night of rain, how fresh and new. And it was just what invaded his senses now -

something fresh and new, something that made him feel alive.

Slowly Kathryn turned in his embrace, her eyes only half-open yet, and he claimed

her lips to kiss her awake. She sighed into his mouth, getting lost in the moment and

pressing herself flush against his body. When he released her, she murmured, her voice

hoarse from sleep and their passion, "Good morning."

"Good morning," he smiled, "it's only 0630, we still have an hour before we are due

on the bridge." He showered her face with kisses while he cradled her in his arms.

"Then maybe we should have breakfast together. And talk," she suggested, her voice

as gentle as his kisses.

"I concur... about the breakfast, at least," Chakotay replied and smiled impishly, at

which she raised an eyebrow.

"Chakotay--"

"I know, Kathryn. Just this morning, please. Let's have dinner this evening and talk

then, but for now..." He trailed off and then outright assaulted her lips, and she couldn't

help but surrender.

They made love again, more passionately this time, and showered together

afterwards - and actually appeared a few minutes early on the bridge.

No one missed how radiant their captain looked, something neither remembered to

have ever seen before. They all looked up when she entered Voyager's command center,

and as if by some invisible force drawn to her and the sight she gave, they all couldn't help

but smile at her and at the commander who followed her out of the lift.

After their 'Good mornings' were exchanged and the night shift had passed on control

over the ship to the morning workers, Janeway and Chakotay took their seats, as did Tom

who just then entered the bridge.

"Good morning!" he greeted as well, and turned to face the commanding duo. He

lowered his voice when he asked, a hint of concern in his voice, "Slept well?" The first

officer smiled and nodded - and Tom noticed how his and the captain's eyes carried out a

sparkle competition, all the while both did her best not to look too happy, and especially

not at each other.

When it hit the pilot what the only logical explanation could be for their contentment,

he turned back quickly to his console to hide his inevitable wide grin. Secretly, he'd been

wondering for some time now how long it was going to take these two. They'd always been

close, but the past weeks and months had changed a lot, and as someone who'd spent a

good amount of time with them, he had to have been blind to not notice that they grew

closer by the day.

A few days ago, he'd told B'Elanna of his thoughts and... suspicions, and much to his

surprise, had found agreement; and that his partner obviously knew more than she let on

regarding their commanding duo.

"But don't you think I should know, so I won't put my foot in it?" he had asked,

smiling innocently at her; he just loved to be thoroughly informed.

"Don't worry, this is not much likely to happen. Besides, wouldn't I have to tell

everyone on the ship then?" With that, she had turned around to lie on her side and go to

sleep, leaving Tom to spoon up behind her and murmur some complaint into her shoulder.

But except for a "Good night" he hadn't gotten any reaction.

Now that the joy that was written all over the faces of the two officers behind him

every other - well, almost - thought had lost its importance and significance.

From the moment they had gotten lost in the Delta Quadrant, Voyager had been

destined to become a generations ship; one on which people didn't hesitate to enter into

romantic relationships because it could be, most likely, everything they'd ever get till their

death. He knew there were a few crewmembers that'd paired off, some of them planning to

have children - even if they had a family at home - and even more who had at least a short

affairs, out of the desire to feel physical closeness; someone to release tension with, and to

have someone to hold and be held by.

As far as he knew, Janeway was engaged, and if anyone, she was probably one of the

most faithful persons one would ever meet; but after some years, perspectives changed,

even for people like the captain. Now she looked happier than he'd ever seen her, more

relaxed and at peace than at any time since he'd first met her on New Zealand, and it was

enough to convince him that they'd taken a step into the right direction.

One of the reasons he had started to like and respect Chakotay had been Janeway's

trust in her first officer, and that those had a chemistry that was hard to miss - right from

the beginning. He regarded the captain highly, and if she deemed his former Maquis

commandant trustworthy, then she had to be right.

Had he ever predicted that those two one day would be more than a commanding

duo, more than friends? Tom suppressed a laugh, careful not to make any noise, to avoid

being questioned... and being forced to come up with an explanation. He had never thought

that much about it, but he had also never really seen a romance between these two in the

realm of possibilities, what with Janeway's sense of duty and all that would forbid a

relationship with her second-in-command. Not that he agreed with that sentiment.

If it was for him, she - both of them - had made the right decision. And silently he

wished Janeway and Chakotay that they'd find their happiness with each other.

The following days were filled with a kind of happiness neither Chakotay nor

Kathryn had experienced in years. Taking their relationship to the next level and thus

admitting to their feelings had been a revelation, a weight lifted off their shoulders. Of

course they had to vocalize their love for each other; a step that would take a bit more time.

But being two people whose commitment and devotion in life and work also applied to

how they loved, a love confession would only be mere words voicing what actions showed

already anyways.

Naturally Janeway had her doubts - or more precisely, the professional side of her,

the part that was captain, had. But they had both proven more often than enough

throughout their years as Voyager's commanding duo that they were able to overcome

every issue, every argument, how severe it ever appeared.

It felt right what they had now - and Kathryn had always trusted her gut feeling, in

whatever situation, so why not now as well? The talk they had had over the dinner the

evening that followed their first night - their real first night - together had clarified what

they both expected, and how they didn't want to push anything. They would return to their

usual ship business, and they wanted to keep their friendship intact, as it was what was

most important to them. But they also wouldn't hold back from whatever they hearts

decided they wanted. They had waited long enough.

aneway stole a glance towards the man sitting in the first officer's seat beside her,

and found him looking ahead, his eyes fixed on the view screen, and a smile in place - a

small one, but it spoke of profound happiness.

Two nights ago, they had taken a nightly sail on Lake George, something they hadn't

done in too many months, and enchanted by the atmosphere, had made love under the full

silver moon. Afterwards they had shared a long talk, speaking openly about their worries

and fears; about how he still felt guilt over what he had done to her, and that he would need

some more time to overcome it, and about how she would need his help when her doubts

consumed her once more, doubts whether she really could be with a member with her

crew.

It has been the most open and honest conversation they had ever had, and if them

entering into a physical relationship hadn't already been one, the truths they exchanged

definitely marked a change in their togetherness.

"Well, Tuvok, it is that time of year again! Only another three hours till your

birthday. Anything fancy planned?" Tom's cheery - and cheeky - words brought Janeway

back from her musings and made everyone on the bridge suppress a grin or even laugh.

Some were more and others less successful in doing so, and Voyager's command center

seemed to light up for a moment.

"I don't assume that I have to remind you, Mr. Paris, that Vulcans do not engage in

'fancy' activities."

"And here goes Harry's replicator ration for tomorrow," the pilot grinned widely

when he swirled around in his chair. He shrank back slightly when he noticed the

reproachful look his captain gave him.

"Really, Mr. Paris? Don't make me give your replicator rations for the whole next

week to Harry." Tom was about to protest, his mouth already opened, but Janeway's death

glare had every word wither away in his throat; he simply passed his own version of the

glare on to a wickedly smirking Harry Kim. One who was wisely keeping his mouth shut.

"Anyway," Paris then said, attempting to bring the conversation back to his

originally intended task, "be sure to come to the mess hall tomorrow night, Tuvok, you'll

love it." He threw a glance over his shoulder, "And please don't claim that you're not

capable to love anything, because that will neither Harry's nor my rations do any good."

Tom was relieved to hear only good-natured chuckling from the commanding duo behind

him, and grinned to himself when he faced his controls again.

"Why don't you for once just let Tuvok celebrate his birthday to his personal

preference?" Janeway chimed in again, casting a short look to Chakotay next to her, his

eyes showing as much glee as hers must have in that moment. Tuvok's stoic, "Thank you,

Captain." didn't exactly help then to keep them both from bursting into laughter.

"Aw, Captain, where's the fun in that?" pouted Tom half-heartedly. "It's not like

we're dragging him into a bar full of-" The pilot's teasing was cut short when a hectic

acoustic signal demanded his attention.

"Tom?"

"Some... wave is heading directly towards us. But I can't tell you what it is."

"Red Alert!" Janeway called out, the bridge instantly filled with red light and a

repeating warning signal. "Mr. Kim?"

"I get it, but it is indistinctive. Like it's there and then not and... like it is in a state of

temporal flux." The OPS officer frowned at his console, but the captain didn't wait for him

to identify what didn't seem to be identifiable now.

"Source?" she wanted to know instead, hoping to get some answers this way. Harry,

however, had to disappoint her.

"I don't know, Captain, there's nothing on the sensors..." The young man trailed off

when he studied his readings, trying to make sense of them.

"Tom, go to warp six, maybe we can outrun it."

"Don't think so, Captain, the wave is emitting some kind of radiation, we can't build

a stable warp field." Janeway squeezed her eyes shut for the fraction of a second. How

stupid of her to think that in this seemingly uninhabited and quite region of space

everything would go smooth, for just a while, just a few months of their journey that

otherwise is never short of adventures.

"Time to impact?"

"Twenty-two seconds," came the answer from Tom this time, his fingers flying over

the consoles, still trying to go to warp nevertheless, but it was of no use. The bridge crew

was working frantically, from everywhere the sounds of consoles could be heard; vainly

they tried to find a last-second-solution, knowing full well that a temporal distortion could

very likely be the death of them all. "Five seconds!" Paris then announced, having

everyone look up for the blink of an eye.

"All hands, brace for impact!" Janeway had barely finished the sentence when the

ship was rocked, thrown around where no throwing should have been possible because of a

lack of gravity and atmosphere, and still was the impact so forceful that the ship's own

artificial gravity wasn't able to compensate it anymore.

The ordeal lasted not more than ten seconds, but it was enough to cause considerable

damage, the bridge filled with smoke and some debris from exploded consoles here and

there.

"Report!"

"Coming in, Captain," Tuvok replied immediately, "minor damages to the ship,

shields holding at seventy-eight percent. Nine crewmen wounded, no fatalities."

"Any sign of more of these waves?"

"None, Captain," Kim, his face blackened from the explosion of a nearby console,

responded to the question to no one in particular.

"Tom, do we have warp again?"

"Positive," Paris confirmed. No one noticed that his voice was slightly shaky, or that

his face was a little to pale.

"Go to warp nine, bring is away from here, five light years. Whatever the source was,

I want to be away from it as far as possible for the moment."

"Aye, Ma'am."

"Stand down Red Alert," she ordered when she felt Voyager jump to warp, and the

lighting on the bridge returned to normal at an instant. "Commander, I wish-- Chakotay!"

With shock Janeway found her first officer slumped forward in his chair, panting heavily,

face ashen and eyes wide, and was immediately at his side. She recognized this appearance

of his; last she had seen it when he had his nightmares. It was a gut feeling that told her

that his memories had come back. Tapping her comm. badge, she was about to call sick

bay, but Chakotay quiet voice stopped her.

"I'm okay, Kathryn," he croaked, and looked up at her, "Just need a moment."

"You're going to sick bay, Commander, and don't you dare argue with me," Janeway

replied firmly while pulling him up and guiding him to the turbolift. "Tuvok, you have the

bridge and-"

"Captain." Tom's deadly quiet voice when he interrupted her had a chill running

down her back. She didn't need to hear his next words to know what was coming. "I think I

should accompany you." His face was as white as a sheet, though he didn't look as stricken

as the commander. She nodded at him once, and his responding gesture confirmed her

earlier assumptions.

"Mr. Kim, I want to you go down to astrometrics. Meet with Seven there. Analyze

every single reading, turn around every stone if necessary, but I want to know exactly what

caused this wave, and why it has this influence on two of my officers!" Hearing Harry's

affirmative answer just before the lift doors closed, Janeway allowed herself to take a deep

breath as soon as she was alone with Chakotay and Tom. The older man more hung on the

younger than he stood beside him, and Kathryn stepped up to him, framing his face with

her hands.

"What did you see, Chakotay? What did you remember?" There was a long moment

of silence in which the captain's eyes shortly met with those of her helmsman, whose face,

to her relief, had gained back at least some of its color already. They both, however, turned

pale again when they heard Chakotay's answer.

"Everything."

Chakotay had been awfully quiet during their dinner, but Kathryn felt that pushing

him would have been wrong. Instead, she allowed them to sit in silence, one that was only

eased by soft music and the sounds their cutlery made on the plates. She watched him as he

carefully now and then took a forkful of his favorite dish into his mouth; without any

enthusiasm whatsoever.

The Doctor hadn't been able to diagnose Chakotay with anything except for the

return of his memories. Voyager's first officer was stressed and slightly panicked, and

confused because of several weeks returning at once, something his brain would need time

to cope with. Physiologically, the EMH didn't have much to help him with - other than

give him a hypo with some tranquillizer perhaps.

Surely this chemical influence was one explanation for his behavior, but then,

Janeway thought, was he a bit too calm. His face was a mask of stone if there had ever

been one, his breathing even. It was that non-reaction that worried her most, as much as

she wished him his inner peace. She just didn't believe that he could find it with this

turmoil all these disturbing pictures must have left in his mind somewhere.

His plate was still half full when he got up and walked over to the couch. Janeway

hesitated for only a moment, observing his short pacing, the clenching of his fists, and how

he fell down onto the seat, before she followed him.

"Chakotay, what..." she began, but stopped herself when he shook his head

vehemently.

"I try not to think of it, Kathryn. Right now, I really want to forget it." He snorted

bitterly. "Remember when I said that I can probably be glad that I don't recall anything?

Talk about conjuring up ghosts." With his face in his hands, he groaned deeply, only barely

resisting to give a frustrated scream instead. He was a normally calm, controlled person,

someone who was mostly at peace with himself after years of fighting against everything

and anything - and especially himself - but right now, all that seemed forgotten.

"I would order you to consult a counselor, but we don't have one, and... Chakotay,

I've been with you along the way, maybe, if you tell me, I can help you." She crouched

before him and gently pulled his hands away, making him look at her. "I am here for you,

whenever you need me."

"You want to know what I've seen?!" he exclaimed suddenly, and threw himself back

into the cushions, effectively pulling his hands from hers in the progress. The captain was

shocked at his outburst, but tried to hide it, busying herself with standing up and sitting

down next to him on the couch.

"I want to know what is weighing on your soul," she replied calmly and covered his

hand, lying on his thigh, with hers, with relief noticing that he enclosed her smaller one

with his larger.

"What is weighing on my soul?" He turned to his side to face her, and his eyes spoke

of endless agony. "I've seen you die, Kathryn. Everything else was horrible, but I can deal

with that. I've seen worse, and not only in the past five years. But these few seconds... they

made me question so much." His voice had turned into a whisper with his last words, and

he looked away. He didn't see her eyes narrow in irritation.

"What do you mean?"

"You maneuvered Voyager into another ship. You went into certain death where you

could have saved yourself, and-!" sensing her objection, he raised his voice to signal her to

remain silent, "I know you could have. You could have beamed away, there were other

ships with some of our officers aboard. You could have set a course and left, there wasn't

much steering to do anyway. But you sat there, and..." Chakotay's words died down

suddenly after his breathless tirade; he simply shook his head when words failed him for

the moment. He breathed in and out a few times, trying to calm down. Only then he went

on. "Tell me it isn't the truth. Tell me that isn't what would happen." It was a desperate plea

that twisted her stomach. But she couldn't lie to him.

"It would, and you know it. If I understand what you said right, then you know it is

exactly how I would act."

"How am I ever supposed to bear the thought that anything could happen to you, now

that the pictures are so vivid, so real, in my head? How can I ever accept you to go on any

mission, enter into any dangerous situation again, and not protest every single time?"

"You, of all people, should know best what being a captain entails," she reasoned

carefully. He was quiet for a moment at her words, studying his fingers. When he got up all

of a sudden, she almost jumped up herself.

"Dammit, Kathryn," he called out, the change of volume making her want to duck,

but she resisted the urge and continued to attentively watch him instead, "you died there,

you sacrificed yourself!"

"I went down with the ship, as any good captain needs and is expected to."

"It shocks me that after five years in the Delta Quadrant, you would still think like

this. It's selfish," he spat, and she frowned.

"I can think of many ways to describe it; selfish isn't a part of it."

"You're doing that for the rules and your consciousness maybe. Not for the people

who love you. "

"Of course I am, I'm-"

"What use is your death to them?! Tell me, what do they gain when you die on a ship

you could have left before it was destroyed?" His fists clenched at his side as he stood

before the viewport, his profile a distorted picture of anger and pain.

"Chakotay, I don't know what happened in your... dreams, your visions, I don't know

the background for doing what I did there. I'm sure I had my reasons to act like this and not

differently."

"No, you don't know what happened, all right," he whispered back, tears now rolling

down his cheeks.

"And it isn't important either," she stated matter-of-factly and rose from her seat to

walk over to him, "because this is about the general thing. About my responsibilities as

captain you can't accept."

"So if this would really happen, your responsibility would be to break everyone's

heart?" He turned around to her then, and the anguish in his face was like a physical blow.

"Break my heart?" She felt her defenses weaken, but fought hard to keep them yet intact.

This was a discussion that wasn't yet making much sense to her, as it came from facts only

he knew, but it affected her deeply nevertheless. She had always taken it as a given fact

that she would stay aboard her ship, no matter what - even if it meant her death.

"My responsibility is to ensure every single one of you is safe, and that no harm can

come on you. As long as I live and am captain of this ship, this will be my purpose, my

obligation. If it includes going down with same ship, so be it."

"No, Kathryn," Chakotay said, his voice holding a dangerous edge to it. "This is

different, don't you understand it? You can't compare our situation with that of any other

ship that ever was. The crew doesn't expect you to die for them; they need you to live for

them, to bring them home. Who should bring them back if you aren't here anymore?"

"You're very capable of doing that, you know that I have absolute trust in that. And

you."

"It could never be the same. The crew wouldn't be, and neither would I. It would kill

us. Can't you see that?" As her first officer, Kathryn expected him to understand her duty

and what was included in it. Rationally, he maybe did. But she saw that in this moment,

rationality was farthest away from him and his mind.

And she understood him also. What would she do if he wasn't there anymore? How

would she go on, how would she live through just another day without him at her side?

Wasn't that, secretly and beneath all talk about obligation and liability, about serving her

crew by having nothing and no one, least of all a romantic relationship to a subordinate,

distract her, the real reason why she had always been afraid, always held back? Because

she, just like him, could never live with the thought of having him to send to what could

turn out to be a death mission? To risk his life, the life of the man she loved? And lose him

in the progress?

The crew could eventually go on without her, even if it was hard in the beginning.

But she would be lost without him. It shocked her every time she realized that, every single

time she thought about it and had to admit that his loss would leave her maybe still

functioning, but not living anymore.

Chakotay had seen and felt how it would be. All the pain, the suffering of losing the

one he loved. She remembered that feeling all too well; but sometimes she wondered

whether his death wouldn't, from a nowadays' perspective, be so much worse than Justin's

and her father's all those years ago. Back then she had lost two persons she loved dearly at

once. The depression she had fallen into was nothing she could afford for even one day on

Voyager. However, when she considered the depth of her feelings for Chakotay, she didn't

even dare to engage in any line of thought including his possible death. Because she truly

doubted she could survive it, despite all her training, her ability to go through almost

everything she encountered, physically and mentally.

The bond she shared with Chakotay was something unique, something that came

only once in life. There was more to them then affection and a physical component. They

were friends, best friends; sometimes they were one mind, one heart, a unity of rare

occasion. She knew that her mother and father had once shared this kind of bond - after her

father's death, Gretchen had never really recovered, even though an uninvolved bystander

might not have recognized it, Kathryn had always seen sadness her mother tried to school

so carefully.

The concept of soul mates had always been fascinating to Kathryn, but she had never

believed that there was one for her out there as well. She had loved Justin and Mark, and

she knew she would have been happy with them, but they hadn't been, by any means, soul

mates. Chakotay, however...

He was right. Her former assignments never consisted of such a complex social

structure as they had it on Voyager. Here they were one ship, one crew of nearly a hundred

and fifty sharing one common goal, one crew standing together, having to stand together,

on their way home, lonely in the expanses of an unknown space. They were a family, they

were friends, and in time, even more would fall in love with each other, as some others

already had. They weren't only colleagues who would mourn the loss of one of them, but

go back to business as usual quickly. Once noble actions now really were selfish.

Janeway would still give her life if it meant she could save even one single member

of her crew, but other than that, some rules maybe were obsolete, at least in their case.

And, after all, if she had to admit to herself that she couldn't live, and guide this ship,

without Chakotay, then how could she asked the same of him should she die?

"I am who I am, Chakotay. Who I am trained to be. I can't change that." He shook his

head sadly, but looked up slowly when she continued, "But... I promise to you that, should

at any time during our journey a situation arise in which we're forced to sacrifice Voyager,

I will reconsider and do my best to stay alive." She smiled at him. "We're one crew, and we

have to stick together if we want to get home, don't we?"

He didn't answer. He just wrapped his arms around her and held her.

The small alien vessel, its form an impractical cylinder, orbited the second planet of

a system of five. Looking peacefully and quiet on the outside, its insides were filled by a

hectic rush. People quickly walked back and forth between consoles, tapped here and

entered information there, reported to others, exchanged results. It was a bee hive, an

anthill, busy, almost frantic activity filling the air and crew.

"First readings coming in, Sir," a young man reported to another, older looking one

who stood at a huge console in the middle of the room.

"Transfer them here, Obrist" the other answered, and the first he addressed as Obrist

nodded, skilled fingers flying over his station. His forehead was pulled into a concentrated

frown, the flower-formed bumps at the sides of his head, a half-globe surrounded by what

looked like petals of skin and cartilage, slightly stretched.

On some other consoles of the command center readings showed up, and everyone

immediately got to work. They all knew exactly what they had to do, had done it countless

times before. They probably could have worked in their sleep; the whole crew was devoted

to the project and the invention of the older man at the main console.

The older man and commander of the ship, Annorax, had spent half his life building

the machine he called the "Time Maker". His race, the Krenim, had wasted too much time

over the centuries, engaging in many civil wars before finally finding its way to rise to a

better, a worthy and rewarding existence. Annorax had always felt a deep sorrow thinking

of all the people, innocent bystanders, who had lost the better part of their lives, their

chances to have a peaceful, positively adventurous existence, to the fights of others. His

own ancestors, his parents and grandparents as well as those of his wife, were among them.

Innocent, never participating in the war, but still they had to suffer, live in fear and

poverty, not knowing whether they would survive the next day.

The Time Maker he had constructed in many years of research, development and

work, a machine that was supposed to one day allow his people to spend more time in the

moment, or go back to a 'what if' past they would be able to choose for themselves.

First field tests were promising; the construction worked like Annorax had always

imagined. They were able to shift time and events for those who were within a time

altering field. It didn't have a lasting effect; merely it was a short trip into another past - but

at least it was something; something to give his people back. The only problem was that

the machine also emitted a temporal wave at the same time the field was created; a wave

that altered the development of everything it met on its way.

The Krenim ship had already brought a significant distance between itself and every

inhabited planet in the region, as well as placed warning buoys. Plus, at the borders of

Krenim space several ships patrolled and told every passing vessel that the territories

suffered from political instabilities. It had been the best way; every captain with a bit of

common sense would avoid such a region, and the Krenim didn't have to give away

anything about Annorax' experiments.

It was supposed to be safe; after all, harming anyone was the last thing Annorax or

any member of his crew, his team of scientists and technicians, wanted.

"New calculations are complete, Sir," a crewmen said from his side, and the

commander looked over to Obrist.

"Program a new wave. Lower strength and density by three per cent. It comes still

too close to the inhabited planets, we need a greater distance at which it dissolves." The

hardest part for them at the moment was finding the correct wave attributes to still have a

time altering field strong enough to be of any use, but a wave so weak it wouldn't affect

any outsider.

"Aye, Sir," Obrist answered, and there was an expectant silence, only broken by the

occasional beeping of consoles, before Annorax' second in command finally announced,

"Adjustments made."

"Activate."

Chapter 6

The change was sudden. One minute, he had been sitting in his seat on the bridge,

holding on as the ship shook; the next the command center of Voyager began to transform.

And deform.

Chakotay recognized the scenery. It was Voyager shortly before it was destroyed.

How could he ever forget these pictures? He felt himself being whirled away from his seat,

only to resume the position he had in his dreams; on the main screen's left-hand side,

looking past his own chair to the captain's where Kathryn sat.

She had the same determined look in her eyes, the one that was going to haunt him

till the end of his days; the one that showed her will to die; the one he couldn't do anything

against.

Or could he?

She stared straight ahead, her hands gripping the chair's arms, holding on - even

though he wasn't sure to what. The ship? Her life? Her command? Her composure?

The latter he certainly didn't have. Not anymore. He knew what was about to happen,

and he wouldn't let it happen again. The course was set, the ship unstoppable flying

towards the alien vessel, ready to destroy it. There was no need for her to be here; a

captain mustn't always go down with the ship.

He reached her in three long strides and hauled her from her chair. She looked at

him confused and began to struggle, but he held her too fast, his strength too great for her

to offer real resistance.

"I won't let you follow them!" he exclaimed and gripped her upper arms even tighter

when she wound away, "We're going to leave this ship, you won't die here!" She struggled

against him even more, trying to free herself while she argued with him about her decision.

He knew he had the upper hand; there was no personnel whatsoever still on board to stop

him. He would save her from certain death, from her own sacrifice, whether she wanted it

or not.

"The course is set, the ship can fly alone," Chakotay continued while he dragged her

to the door that led to a small corridor behind the bridge, "We may lose Voyager, but we

won't lose you!" He took a shuddering breath. "I won't lose you."

Was it a dream, a vision, another reality - he didn't care. All that mattered was that

he was in control. He would end this horror here and now. He wouldn't lose her again. He

wouldn't watch her die again. And maybe he could also stop the pictures in his head by

changing the events.

Dragging her along the corridor, he finally found what he was looking for - the

escape pods reserved for bridge personnel, those who were the last ones to still remain on

the ship when everyone else was already gone. With relief he noticed that the pods were

still there and intact, and opening the hatch, he pushed Kathryn, who had by then stopped

fighting against him, inside. With one last look back into bridge's general direction, he

followed her and began the start sequence.

Soon, the pod was catapulted into open space, and he activated the propulsion

systems to get away from the imminent explosion as fast as possible.. .

Chakotay never saw the bridge crew watch him in shock as he ran around, screamed

and cried, and gripped empty air he obviously thought of as dead crewmen and, ultimately,

Janeway in her chair. He pulled her from the seat, his grip bruisingly strong, and Tuvok

and two other security officers moved to stop the first officer, but the captain just shook

her head. She had a good idea what Chakotay was seeing; he wouldn't hurt her, he wanted

to save her.

And just as she thought, he brought her to the closest escape pod and got inside with

her. Janeway had hoped he would come back to his senses before he launched the pod, but

he remained trapped in his hallucination, or however one wanted to call it.

Only when the pod was out and on its way, gaining more and more distance to

Voyager, Chakotay suddenly fell unconscious. His mission had been to bring her to safety;

and in his mind, he must have done just that before he was finally released from his

delusion.

"Chakotay?" She tried to gently wake him. His skin was hot, sweat covered his face;

his breathing was ragged. She caressed his cheeks, rubbed her one hand over his arms and

chest in a soothing gesture while she scanned him with a tricoder. He had a light fever, and

his heart rate was too high, but she was glad that apart from that he seemed to be all right.

"Voyager to escape pod #2; Captain, do you read me?"

"Yes, Mr. Tuvok, we're here. Chakotay is unconscious; it is best you beam us

directly to sick bay before bringing the pod back in."

"Understood, Captain. We'll beam you out within the minute. Voyager out."

Janeway shifted closer to Chakotay, and pressed a kiss to his lips. "We'll be out of

here in a few seconds," she told him quietly, trying to keep his brain working - and

distracted - by talking to him.

The tingling sensation that came with their transport had never felt so good.

The Doctor had called Janeway to sickbay two hours after they had been beamed out

of the escape pod. As much as she had wanted to, she couldn't have spent the whole time in

the medical station; she was the captain, after all, and there was a phenomenon that still

demanded investigation. So she had left Chakotay to his sleep and the care of the EMH's

capable hands, and worked with Harry and Seven in astrometrics to find answers.

When the Doctor had called her, they had just found an irregularity a few thousand

light years away from their position; though they hadn't yet been able to define this

irregularity. Was it a ship, a planet? A natural occurrence? At least they could say with a

good amount of certainty that this had to be the source of the 'memory wave', as Tom had

dubbed it.

Chakotay was still asleep when Kathryn entered sickbay and approached his biobed.

He looked relaxed, and the color had returned to his face, something she was very grateful

for. She couldn't believe the concern she had felt for him; with every passing day it became

clearer to her how important he was to her.

"Captain," the Doctor greeted her when she stepped up to the bed, and instinctively

rested her hand on Chakotay's chest.

"How is he?"

"Scans of his brain show that he should back to his old self. I called you because I

want to wake him up now." Saying so, the EMH took a hypospray and pressed it against

the unconscious man's neck. He left when seconds later, his patient's eyes fluttered open

and focused on Janeway.

"Kathryn... what happened?" Chakotay croaked, his voice affected by the earlier

events and his sleep.

"I can tell you later, I just wanted to see how you a-"

"I abducted you," he interrupted her with wide eyes. "Oh God, Kathryn, did I hurt

you?!"

"No, I'm fine. You were there to save me, remember?" She cupped his cheek, adding

a whispered, "Just like you always are." before she threw a quick glance towards the

Doctor's office, making sure he was out of sight, and gave Chakotay a kiss; then she

resumed a professional distance just as the EMH returned.

"So you are all right?"

"Absolutely. You have no need to worry. While you were asleep, Seven, Harry and I

were working in astrometrics. We think we may have found the source of these waves."

"And?" Chakotay tried to rise to a sitting position, but groaned when his muscles

protested. Immediately the Doctor intervened and pushed him back.

"Careful, Commander, your mental outbreak obviously put an unusual great strain on

your body. You should rest a bit longer." Janeway nodded in agreement with the medic's

words.

"I'll be back later to give you an update. You sleep now," she told her first officer and

smiled gently at him.

When she walked out of sickbay, he had already returned to the land of dreams.

"Any luck with the recalibration of our sensors?" Janeway asked before she was even

through the doors to the astrometrics lab.

"None yet, Captain. Whatever we do, that... thing out there has the same

characteristics as the wave. It is there, then it isn't, then it's only a faint echo... our sensors

have to have knots in their circuits by now. My brain certainly has them," Ensign Kim

answered while Seven still worked the console, entering commands and changing the view

on the big screen again and again, but with no such luck.

Voyager's commanding officer took her time to think everything through,

considering all information they had till now. She was aware that there was the option of

simply going to maximum warp and try to clear the area the wave was able to reach as fast

as possible. But then they didn't know how it would proceed to develop; if it was an

artificial phenomenon, created by the inhabitants of these territories they had been advised

to avoid, it might as well increase in its intensity, and who knew how far it would be able

to reach then?

Fleeing wasn't an option. Or at least not the one that promised any success. If they

tried to find out what was behind all this, they had at least a chance to bring all this to an

end before any more people were affected.

"Do we have a way to predict when the next wave will hit us?"

"I'm afraid not. There is no discernable pattern to the occurrence of the waves. Which

makes it all the more likely that this is an artificial phenomenon." Harry brought up a list

of all waves they had registered so far, and Kathryn didn't need to have a closer look; if

this wasn't coincidental, then nothing was. Her scientist's mind went through all possible

formulae and equations she could think of in that moment, but nothing applied. It was pure

chaos.

"Captain," Sevens voice had her return from her musings, "I may have found

something." Another few touches to the console in front of the Ex-Borg, and the huge

display in front of them changed again.

"Is this..." The older woman narrowed her eyes and studied the readings and schemes

appearing.

"By triangulating the signals we received with the wave, I was able to confirm two of

three coordinative points. We should be able to find the source with these general

directions."

"It will still be a considerably large area we have to cover; and we may not have the

time to search."

"According to my estimations, a search shouldn't take longer than three days. I think

I have found a way to re-modulate long range sensors so that they will be more precise.

However, this may interfere with other sensors."

Janeway took another few minutes to consider all eventualities. She trusted Seven's

abilities, as she did her crew's. They had managed far more complicated maneuvers. And if

it would be of any help to Chakotay and Tom, or any other ship that would sooner or later

pass by, it was worth a try.

"Send the coordinates to the helm and let Tom set a course," she acknowledged

eventually, her decision made. "I'll be on the bridge. Good work!" With that, she was gone,

leaving Harry and the former Borg to throw each other a look before they went back to

their analyses.

In three-dimensional space, finding an object with only two coordinates was a lot

harder than one might have thought. There were light years to cover, and doing so from

some distance instead of close by to known position points didn't make things easier. For

almost two days, the Alpha Quadrant vessel had been searching from afar, always staying

close to the borders of Krenim territories. But even with Seven's enhancements to their

scanners, they soon had to realize that they weren't as close to their destination as they

would have needed to be.

Janeway knew it was time to change strategies. They were already in it too far; they

couldn't back away now. She had been playing with the thought of ignoring the warning

and entering Krenim space nevertheless for a while now, and the more she reasoned with

herself, the more she was convinced that it was their best chance to bring an end to all of

this. Even though they didn't know what to expect; after all, those waves could be part of

military experiments.

And still, the impact they had on her crewmen and would possibly have on other

passing vessels was inacceptable. When the Krenim warned outsiders to not enter their

space because of possible dangers, then why should they want to inflict harm to those who

were simply flying around their territories?

After a lengthy briefing with her senior officers - including Chakotay, who had been

released from sickbay and into Kathryn's care the same evening their escape pod incident

had happened - during which all possible risks as well as benefits were considered and

discussed, the conclusion was clear. Voyager had never backed away from a challenge that

promised to make the universe better, and they wouldn't begin with it now.

Of course they still had to pay attention to the Krenim and their political conflicts.

But the area they were surveying seemed to be quiet and devoid of any activity

whatsoever; at least Voyager's sensors didn't pick up any patrols or other ships - or fights,

for that matter. If there was imminent danger, it wasn't coming from war parties.

Now with reducing distance, their search didn't take long to come up with results.

The closer they came to known coordinates, the more helpful sensor readings got. It was a

bit like hare and hounds; every new atypical data they followed brought more hints as to

where their yet undefined goal was situated.

And finally, the screen showed the glimmering picture of a cylindrical shape,

flickering in and out of existence, changing color in a pattern that followed no natural law.

"Mr. Kim, was is this?" Janeway demanded an explanation as she squinted her eyes

and tried to make out any structure in what looked like a malfunctioning Christmas light.

"A ship... apparently," came an irritated answer. "It seems to be in a state of temporal

flux."

"Can you hail them?"

"I think so... hailing on standard frequencies..." There were several seconds passing,

but for everyone on the bridge they felt like hours, before Harry finally announced,

"They’re answering. Audio only."

"Alien vessel. Identify yourself," someone barked, and Janeway cringed slightly.

"This is Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. Some of our crew

were affected by some kind of temporal wave we retraced to your ship, and we're asking

for your help." Another few seconds passed; maybe even half a minute. Then, all of a

sudden, a face appeared on the screen.

"I'm sorry for the trouble we've caused, Captain." The voice was friendlier than the

bodiless, watchdog-like one before. "We thought we were far away from every population,

starships included. It wasn't our intention to cause any... damage," the nameless man,

middle-aged it seemed, explained. His face was serious, but held also a hint of kindness,

and he appeared exhausted - not from recent stress, though, but from life-long strain.

Janeway knew the feeling all too well.

"We're just passing by. We were advised to avoid your territories due to political

instabilities, but we stayed close to the borders to not lose too much time on our journey. I

apologize for entering your space, but the repercussions for my crewmen were too severe."

"You were trying to protect your crew, Captain. I understand the sentiment." The

stranger straightened up to introduce himself properly. "My name is Annorax, I'm a

scientist with the Krenim Empire. Captain, if you allow, I'd like to come aboard your ship

and try to find a solution for your, maybe both our problems, together."

Voyager's commanding officer threw a short look over her shoulder to Tuvok, their

yearlong companionship allowing them to understand each other without words. When she

saw the Vulcan's approval, she returned her attention to Annorax and nodded.

"My security chief, Lieutenant Commander Tuvok, will send you all necessary

information. I'm looking forward to meeting your personally."

"Likewise, Captain. Annorax out." With that, the screen went black again.

Immediately Janeway headed for the turbolift, nodding to Tuvok on the way and telling

him to accompany her.

"Commander, you have the bridge," she addressed Chakotay just before she entered

the lift.

"Mr. Annorax, welcome to Voyager." The Krenim scientist looked around Voyager's

transporter room curiously for a moment before remembering his manners and returning

the greeting.

"Thank you, Captain, and for receiving me. I'm really sorry we caused you trouble; it

certainly wasn't our intention," the alien man apologized again when he stepped down from

the transporter platform and followed Janeway and Tuvok out of the room.

"I'm curious - you don't strike me as someone participating in political conflicts, so

what are you hoping to achieve with your experiments?" Annorax looked at the woman

beside him intensely for a while, seemingly contemplating what he could tell her; if she

was trustworthy.

"Curious you are indeed, Captain," the alien man eventually began, his voice as

warm as his smile. "I can't explain everything now, Captain, please understand that; but

you are right, I by no means participate in any political conflicts. Nor are there any in

Krenim space." He smirked at her irritated frown.

"But..."

"We don't want anyone to enter our space, mostly because of my experiments. To

keep others away without revealing anything about my research, we claim to have these

conflicts in our territories. Most species close by avoid fights and rather take a detour than

get pulled into something they might not survive."

"And no captain with just a bit of common sense would endanger their crew,"

Janeway nodded as they stepped into the turbolift.

"Correct. It's is very important to me that you know that my research fulfils no

political or military purpose. It is no weapon I've developed. However, as most technology,

it certainly could be used as such. In the wrong hands, it could destroy..." He trailed off, his

look becoming distant for a moment. Then he finished, whispering, "Oh so much."

Voyager's captain was intrigued and concerned at the same time. The alien man was very

open, seemingly trusting her easily - and telling her about what could possibly be a weapon

of mass destruction.

"Mr. Annorax, I'm honored that you trust me enough to inform me about your

science, but... don't you fear that one day someone might come along, simply playing nice

before attacking?" The stranger smiled secretly when he passed her to enter the briefing

room they just reached then.

"Everyone fears that, Captain. Am I not right? It's the way of the universe." He

opened his arms, a grand gesture of a man who appeared to know a lot more than he let on.

"We never knew who is friend and who is foe. But Captain, I've had my share of

encounters with a rich diversity of fascinating as well as frightening people and creatures. I

like to believe I know whom I can offer my trust. You are a scientist, just like me, aren't

you?" He walked over to one of the chairs close to Janeway's, sat down and leaned

forward. "You see the universe through the eyes of an explorer. A star is not just a star, but

the collection of past, present and future. A planet is not just a planet, but a source of

knowledge, thousands of years of history, of evolution, each different from the next. And

the heaven... it's not just a white-streaked blue, or a dotted black, but the gateway to a

never-ending world of magic and surprises."

The woman across from him couldn't help but smile at Annorax' enthusiastic words.

Silently, she somewhat agreed; and still she wasn't all that convinced. Surely she was glad

to meet someone who wasn't suspicious to a fault and gave her a hard time to achieve even

the smallest progress in any kind of negotiations, but this seemed too easy.

Or maybe the Krenim scientist was just refreshingly trustful.

And he was. Only that he wasn't naïve. What Kathryn didn't know was that during

their first contact, the enhanced Krenim technology had been able to access Voyager's

database and logs - Annorax knew very well that the vessel and crew from the other side of

the galaxy didn't have any hostile intentions.

Annorax, just like Janeway, wanted nothing more than to serve and protect his

people. He had worked hard and tireless to reach what he had achieved in the course of

many years. The message that his science was endangering and harming others, that it

affected strangers who didn't belong to their empire, had been shocking. His only goal, his

research's only purpose had always been to help others.

Lowering his head for a moment, he hoped the female captain wouldn't notice how

his smile vanished to give room to deeply felt sadness. He should have known better; even

these very few minutes he had spent with her had already given him a good insight into

what kind of person he was dealing with. And this woman was the impersonation of

kindness and compassion.

"Mr. Annorax, are you all right?" He allowed himself another second, before he

looked up, his smile in place again. Janeway, however, didn't miss the profound sadness

shining in the recesses of his eyes, vaguely hidden behind his expression of happiness.

"Yes, thank you, Captain," he said, his voice all business again, "I think we should

come to our problem now. You said your crew was affected by the wave my invention

emits?"

"Actually, it's only two crewmen. In the past months, since we had started passing

your territories, they had been plagued by nightmares. Those stopped only recently. But

one of the men lost all his memories of the past months. Then, a few days ago when the

wave hit us for the first time, it caused flashbacks for both them. The one who had

forgotten everything not only remembered, but also falls into a hallucinative state

whenever another wave hits us."

"No one else of your crew was affected, only these two crewmen?" Annorax wanted

to assure, and Kathryn could see that he was as confused by the facts presented as she had

been when she had been confronted with them.

"Yes. And, as I said, only one lost his memories. While both had to deal with

nightmares, the dreams they had were partially similar, but still very different." The alien

scientist nodded absent-mindedly, the wheels in his head rotating at maximum speed.

"To be honest, Captain, right now I can't come up with any logical reason or

explanation as-"

"Captain Janeway, please report to the bridge immediately," a voice via comm.

interrupted him. Janeway reacted immediately, foregoing to ask the reason why she was

ordered to the bridge; she knew that Chakotay would only call her during a meeting if it

was important.

Giving Tuvok a sign, she asked Annorax to follow her when she approached the

opposite door to the one they'd entered the briefing room through and would lead them to

Voyager's command center. Quickly she walked to her chair and sat down, her trained eyes

scanning the readings on the small panel between her and Chakotay's chair.

"Obviously the transporter activated some kind of residual energy in the ship's

engines... and it is rerouting power to the temporal device," her first officer informed her

when she passed him, and she nodded after going over the data.

"The Time Maker will emit another temporal wave within the next few seconds,"

Annorax, recognizing the signs, warned and gripped the railing of the upper bridge level.

He knew what Janeway was going to ask even before she had turned around completely to

face him, and his expression already gave his answer away.

"Can you stop it?"

"I'm sorry, Captain, no. Tell your crew to hold on. We recalibrated the wave in the

past days; it shouldn't be too strong."

"The wave will be emitted in ten seconds," Tuvok's calm voice informed, and

Janeway inwardly cursed his Vulcan lack of emotion momentarily. Or her inability to be as

unaffected as him.

"All hands, brace for impact!" Everyone held on to what was closest just when the

wave hurled away from the Krenim ship, circular like ripples in the water after a raindrop

had fallen in. Voyager was shaken violently when it was hit; some people were thrown off

their chairs or feet respectively, and smoke soon filled the bridge.

It was over as quick as it had started. The Starfleet vessel calmed down suddenly,

only its deranged interior and crew evidence that it just had been overrun by a something

impalpable.

"Report!" the captain shouted after she had chased away the dizziness, and awaited

the ever-calm voice to answer.

It never came.

"Tuvok!" Janeway called out and turned around, only to see him lying on the ground.

Jumping up and practically running to him, she slapped her comm. badge. "Janeway to

sickbay, medical emergency, Tuvok is wounded and unconscious!"

"He's not the only one, Captain," came the slightly sarcastic reply, as if it was only

natural that sickbay was by now filled with people in need of medical attention - and after

the first waves that didn't case any serious injuries whatsoever. "Have him beamed here,"

the EMH then continued, and Janeway nodded at Harry Kim who'd already programmed a

site-to-site transport. As soon as Tuvok was gone, she turned to the young Ensign at OPS.

"Harry?!"

"Thirty-eight crewmen wounded. Mostly minor injuries, but also six more serious

cases, seven including Tuvok. Voyager, however, seems to mostly suffer from some

burned-out relays and resulting smoke, but otherwise she's fine. Shields holding at eighty-

one per cent." Janeway nodded in acknowledgement and finally allowed herself to check

on Chakotay, walking down to him who was still sitting in his chair, once again hunched

over.

"I'm fine, Kathryn, getting used to it," he assured her before she could even ask, and

she squeezed his hand gently, then threw a look at her pilot.

"Tom?" He, however, didn't answer; instead he looked first to Annorax, still standing

at the upper level, frozen in place it seemed, then to Chakotay, who he addressed his next

words to.

"Did you see that as well?" The older man looked up, doubt and a hint of fear in his

eyes.

"Yes," he affirmed, his skin now almost white against the black and red of his

uniform.

"Gentlemen?" Janeway demanded an answer, the slightest hint of what one could

have identified as panic in her voice and posture. She sensed that something was going on,

and that she wouldn't like that something.

"Our dreams, Captain..." Paris began, but then wavered, not sure how to explain it.

Chakotay didn't think about it much, he chose the easy way - and answer - with his

addition to the pilot's words.

"Those weren't dreams. It's real."

Chapter 7

This time, the captain had followed her first impulse - and ordered her first officer,

her helmsman and the Krenim visitor into her ready room.

"What did you mean with 'It's real'?" she addressed Chakotay as soon as the doors

were closed. However, before he could answer, the alien scientist rose to speak.

"If I may, Captain," he began and waited for Janeway to nod before he went on, "I

assume we all saw the same pictures. In short, it was a fight between my ship and yours,

during which I proceeded with experiments that were supposed to restore a timeline that

had once been destroyed - due to my experiments. I can't explain what brought me to these

actions, nor do I know why we entered into an armed conflict. But... both our ships were

destroyed in the end and the timeline was reset." Kathryn couldn't help it - she stared at

Annorax dumbfounded. For once, she couldn't claim to have understood any word of what

he had said, and the past months had exhausted her too much to still keep her mask in

place now.

"So... this was another timeline? Or an alternate reality? Or... what?" Tom then

thankfully asked the questions she didn't dare to voice.

"I'm not entirely sure. Theoretically, my invention would make it possible to reset the

timeline - to a certain point or event, erasing undefined periods of time. I assume that what

we saw has actually happened - however, the destruction of both our ships brought us back

to a neutral starting point. It's almost like a second chance, if you like." Even though the

explanation made sense in itself, Kathryn's mind was nevertheless a mess. She had always

hated temporal physics, and this one was one example that gave her the most terrible

headache she had ever experienced.

"But how far into the past was the timeline erased?" Janeway wondered aloud, and

did her best to sort her thoughts. "Because some things obviously were changed that kept

us from entering into a conflict all over again, and that has to have been before we even

met. Or more, before we met the first Krenim vessel we encountered before we could enter

your space months back."

"I think more important is to know that in this timeline, the conflict never happened,"

Chakotay spoke quietly, his hand lightly brushing Kathryn's as he stood close to her. She

looked up at him then, reacting to his touch and his words equally.

"He is right. Something is different in this time line, something that prevented us

from engaging in this terrible conflict, from a war between the races of these territories and

you being pulled into it," Annorax voice the thoughts that were playing in Janeway's head

as well. "As I understand it, the most significant difference is that you never entered our

space from where you first came across it, and that you never had an alliance with a

species that was our declared enemy. But I can't claim to fully understand everything of

this. Temporal physics are-"

"Nothing one should think too much about because it causes headaches," Kathryn

sighed, eliciting a light chuckle from her second-in-command. Annorax smiled as well,

even though it looked a tad confused.

"I wanted to say 'a very complicated matter', but I admit that you're not wrong,

Captain."

"So where do we go from here now?" Tom again piped up where he'd carefully and

attentively listened to the other three discussing the situation. He mostly wondered what

consequences they had yet to expect; he didn't trust this all to be over yet, even though he

and Chakotay hadn't had any nightmares for a while.

"If I may, Captain, I'd like to talk to both your crewmembers," he nodded at them in

apology for not knowing their names, "and hear what they saw exactly. Even though we

are not at war, our close future might still contain dangerous moments that are not meant to

be, and I'd very much like to prevent them."

"You and me both, Mr. Annorax. And I'm sure Commander Chakotay and Lieutenant

Paris will agree." Both men nodded to confirm Janeways assumption, before she

continued, "I think a dinner with the four of us and Lieutenant Torres, my chief engineer

who's been with Mr. Paris the whole time, would be the best and most comfortable

environment for such a difficult talk." Annorax nodded courtly and bowed slightly,

indicating his acceptance.

"I'll have Neelix prepare something," Chakotay acknowledged the plan, and

Voyager's pilot nodded in agreement as well.

"I suggest to meet in three hours, if that is all right with you?" After Annorax had

given his consent, Janeway turned to her first officer and continued, "Let Neelix set up the

dinner for 1900 hours." She would have offered the Krenim scientist a tour of the ship, but

the careful side of her was still hesitant to fully trust him, even though he'd been as helpful

as one could ever be. At least as far as she could tell. So she just excused herself and had

Mike Ayala, in charge as long as Tuvok was in sick bay, escort him back to the transporter

room so he could return to his ship until dinner time.

If it irritated their guest in any way, he didn't show it. But as far as Janeway - and her

knowledge of human nature, even with aliens - was concerned, she saw that he understood;

and probably would have done the same.

Annorax beamed over a few minutes before 1900 after being informed about their

time system by Harry, and appeared in a secluded dining room that had been prepared for

the meeting right on time. Only Chakotay, Paris, Torres and Janeway as well as two

members of security were present when Annorax, accompanied by Ayala, entered the room

where Neelix had dished up a diverse meal with culinary specialties from Earth and the

Delta Quadrant equally.

leasantries were exchanged, and since introductions weren't necessary anymore, the

dinner attendees sat down after only a few moments. There was a lot to talk about, a lot to

discuss.

"Maybe we should start recollecting what we remember, what... what these visions

have showed us. If we compare what I assume will be different memories, we might get a

bigger picture that will help us find a solution," Annorax suggested as soon as their plates

were filled and they were ready to start eating. A good meal often helped the soul; that was

true to the people from the Alpha Quadrant as well as to the Krenim from the Delta

Quadrant.

Chakotay was the first to begin putting his memories, his dreams and visions and

experiences, into words, almost the whole time with his eyes fixated on Janeway who was

sitting across from him. He struggled at some points, in finding the right words and voicing

what he had seen in general, as the memory alone was painful. But his need to share and

thus hopefully bring a solution forth was strong enough to keep him going.

When he finished, he felt exhausted; incredibly exhausted. His breathing was heavy,

and he was sweating, and only Kathryn's face, her eyes through which she seemed to send

him strength, kept him sane then.

Annorax and Tom very well noticed how affected Chakotay was by his own story,

and resorted to exchanging a few technical facts and figures, something that had no

emotional background. Only when the first officer silently nodded to Paris, thanking him

and signaling that they should go on, the pilot started his own report.

Even though it was easier for Tom, he still relied on Torres, sitting next to Janeway

and facing him, as his rock when he began to tell his version of the visions and nightmares

they'd been confronted with. He never lost her eyes, locked onto his, when he explained in

detail what he had seen, and how it was similar in many parts, though not in all, to what

Chakotay had reported before.

When he closed, there was a heavy silence hanging over the dinner attendees as

everyone processed the information they never before had brought together in such detail.

Especially Annorax appeared to be more distraught than anyone of Voyager's officers

present had expected, and his mind was working so hard, his face frozen in deep

concentration, Janeway feared to startle him to death would she address him now.

Everyone poked around in their meal, not really hungry anymore, even though

Neelix had outdone himself this time and the unnamed dish was very tasty. It was a shame

to not eat it, but... satiating non-existent or long-forgotten hunger now that they had to

digest what information they'd just shared was the least important thing then.

"This is about time travel. Tinkering with time." Annorax' voice, quiet and

thoughtful, suddenly breaking the silence had them all look up in perfect synchronicity.

"Time... is not a linear concept. If this has happened before, then it can happen again."

There was pain in his voice; the thought that all this was his fault and that he could 'cause'

it again had plagued him ever since he had shared the memory flashes when the wave hit

Voyager with him on board.

"You could say so, yes," answered Janeway to what had not really been a question on

his part, but nevertheless needed to be reacted to, as far as she was concerned.

"So in other words, if I continue with these experiments..." He stopped and studied

both mentioned men's faces for a moment. "What if it actually has happened, in another

time line, and the fact that you both were on my ship influenced your minds in a way that

made it possible for your memories to stay intact, even as the time line was erased or reset?

It may just be repeated. Or happen in the first place, depending on how you look at-"

"Mr. Annorax, please," Janeway kindly interrupted him, smiling as she did so.

"I'm sorry, Captain. I can't help but think though that maybe your crew members are

not the only ones affected. Not yet, anyways."

"We can never say or know what happens in the future. The fact that we're sitting

here and not fighting against each other, as we did in this other time line, already suggests

that significant things have changed. What you are doing might not affect your people or

your family in any negative way at all. But if it does..."

"The consequences could be even worse." Annorax lowered his head, staring at his

half-empty plate. "All those people... so many lives... my family..." A hand on his arm

startled him then, and he looked up again to find Janeway touching him gently.

"This doesn't have to be repeated. You wanted to help your people. Now help them

by letting them write their history - and future - on their own." Voyager's captain leaned

back again, pulling her hand away, and faced Chakotay and Tom for a moment. "My

people, the Humans from Earth, waged war for centuries, if you sum it up. We were a very

brutal and combative species. Countless people died a completely unnecessary death." Her

two officers nodded in acknowledgment and agreement, and Janeway directed her next

words to their guest. "But we accepted this as part of our past, our history. And swore to do

better than our ancestors. It took us a long time to leave behind what we have become so

used to. But we were successful - successful in fighting our own pugnacity. And we only

looked back to remind ourselves that something like this mustn't ever happen again."

Annorax looked at Janeway for a long time, and she saw that his mind was working

through everything she'd just said, every possibility and every path that lay ahead now to

take. There was a decision to make; a decision whether he stopped his experiments and

thus would have wasted years of research, or if there was any way to continue without

causing any damage.

"You're right, Captain," he eventually began, "it mustn't. I admit though, and I guess

you as a scientist will understand it, that it is hard for me to accept that everything I've

done will be of no use to our society, because it won't be. It all relies on these experiments;

if they are discontinued, all work will be lost. And I'm too old to start all over again."

"I understand it very well. But what about the future of your people and possibly

every bypassing ship? What if it in any way affects them like it did us? There are too many

variables." The Krenim sighed deeply. Of course he recognized the harsh truth behind his

host's words, and it wasn't new to him. After he'd left Voyager earlier that day and returned

to his ship, his mind had been flooded by countless scenarios. He had even run a few

computer simulations.

"I just wish there was another way. When the Time Maker is-"

"Kim to Captain Janeway." Janeway looked apologetically at Annorax and held up a

hand to ask him and wait for a moment.

"Janeway here. What is it, Harry?"

"Mr. Obrist of the Krenim vessel is hailing us; he wants to talk to Mr. Annorax."

"Put it through, Harry." Addressing their guest, she offered, "We'll give you some

privacy and you can take the call at the console over there."

"Thank you, Captain. But please, stay, I'm sure this is no matter of security you

cannot know about." With that, Annorax left his seat for the console mentioned and

pointed at by Janeway. Activating the comm. signal, he immediately faced his second-in-

command. "Obrist. What is so important to disturb a dinner with friends?"

"Sir, I'm sorry for interrupting, but we have new inconsistencies that are increasing at

an alarming rate. I think it would be better for you to take a look at it." The Krenim nodded

at Janeway, a gesture she returned - a silent communication between them.

"I'll be right over, Obrist. Annorax out." Addressing his dinner company, he

continued, "I am terribly sorry, Captain, that I have to leave so early, but this is an urgent

matter that demands my attention."

"Of course, Mr. Annorax, I understand." Janeway rose to accompany her guest to the

transporter room, but he shook his head.

"Please, I insist that you stay and finish your dinner. I'll gladly have Lieutenant Ayala

escort me." He nodded with a friendly smile, and Voyager's captain followed his enquiry

request, although her diplomatic consciousness protested.

"Contact us immediately if we can be of any help."

"Certainly, I will. Thank you, Captain." Janeway watched their guest leave the room,

thoughtful as to what problems he'd have to face and what impact they were going to have

on Voyager and her crew.

Only a short time later the three officers who had attended the meeting stepped onto

the bridge, awaiting news from the Krenim vessel. Until now, Annorax hadn't contacted

them again, and Janeway hoped that it wasn't a bad sign; that the situation wasn't so critical

that he didn't have to time to update them. The energy readings Voyager's sensors

registered from the alien ship where alarming, and almost similar to those that had

appeared shortly before the last accidental temporal wave; the one that had damaged the

ship and hurt some crewmembers including Tuvok, who was still in sick bay.

The captain had instructed Ensign Kim to keep a close eye on the data; unnecessarily

so, because Harry's worries wouldn't have allowed him to do anything else. He came close

to suggesting to bring some distance between Voyager and the Krenim ship, but thought

the better of it; after all, distance hadn't help even when they'd still been light years away.

Kim was pulled from his musings when he stations signaled a significant change in

the readings.

"Captain, a new wave seems to be forming," he announced, only to add a second

later, "And the Krenim are hailing us."

"Open a channel."

Immediately Annorax' face appeared on the screen; concern was written all over it.

"Captain," he greeted briefly, "I'm afraid we can't stop the next wave either. The

Time Maker device seems to have reached a critical point where it goes into... I guess you

can call it overload, even though it won't destroy the machine. But it seems to have

developed some sort of its own mind."

"Can't you shut the device down?"

"I'm afraid it's not that easy, Captain. The Time Maker has already had some

influence on the time line. It's connected to it, and shutting it down just like that would be

like... cutting it out of space-time and leaving a hole behind. It could cause unforeseeable

difficulties in all universes' temporal structure. Even temporal ruptures." He turned away

from the screen for a moment, facing someone behind him Voyager's bridge crew couldn't

see, and gave a few indistinctive orders before facing the screen again. "I recommend you

prepare for impact, Captain, because it seems we also won't be able to stop the next wave."

"Understood."

"Good luck, Captain."

"Likewise. Janeway out."

As soon as the comm. channel was closed, Voyager's commanding officer ordered

her crew to secure all stations and keep some distance to them in case they exploded when

the wave hit them. Then they waited. Some were nervously fidgeting, some were talking in

hushed voices to a colleague next to them, some just stared ahead, waiting for the

inevitable and accepting it as such.

"Wave is forming," Harry's voice suddenly broke the quiet on the bridge, "impact in

one minute."

Between the chairs of the command duo, Chakotay's hand brushed Janeway's before

they both placed their hands firmly on the armrests.

There was not much of a difference to when it had happened before. The ship was

shaken and people thrown around even though they all held on tight to something, and here

and there a console exploded, but at least on the bridge no one seemed to sustain serious

injuries; only minor ones like scratches or bruises.

When it was over, the captain didn't need to ask for a report; Kim was already giving

one before she could even open her mouth to speak.

"Two crewmen wounded, but only broken bones. Damage reports are coming in; so

far nothing that can't be repaired within a few hours. Seems like we got away better than

the last time."

"I'd have preferred it if there was nothing to get away better from, Mr. Kim,"

Janeway half barked at the ensign, even though she didn't mean it as accusing as it may

have sounded. "Everyone, I want ideas as to what we can do! And Tuvok, Chakotay - my

ready room." The three of them didn't get far, though. Just before they could enter the

Captain's office, Harry addressed his commanding officer again.

"Captain, the Krenim ship is hailing us. Audio only."

Janeway was already returning to her chair on the bridge before Kin had finished his

sentence, only to then immediately order, "Put them through."

"Captain, we need to talk again. If you allow, I beam over in ten minutes."

"All right, I send you Mr. Tuvok to escort you to my ready room."

Janeway was waiting almost impatiently for Annorax to arrive. The situation was

growing more dangerous and alarming b the minute, and if they needed anything right

now, it was a solution. And one that would help quickly.

She felt Chakotay's eyes resting on her, but couldn't look at him. And she didn't even

know why. Was it because of this change in their relationship? She had always felt

comfortable in his presence; safe and supported. Right now, it was almost distressing to

have him in the room with her. She knew it was stupid, but she couldn't help herself. She

just hoped that the sole reason for her feeling like this was that she was on edge like she

hadn't been in a while.

Still, the door chime ringing through the ready room was almost a relief.

"Come!" she called, and immediately the door opened to reveal Annorax and Tuvok.

Janeway dismissed her security chief with a thankful nod and waited until the door had

closed again.

"You said we need to talk?"

"Yes. Captain, I think we have a problem."

"One, Mr. Annorax?" Janeway couldn't keep her sarcasm in check in this moment,

but the Krenim obviously didn't mind. Instead, he just nodded with a sorrowful, if not

apologetic expression.

"We are getting reports that fights have broken out on our home world - and I'm

afraid it's safe to assume that this results from remnants of this last wave hitting the

southern hemisphere." Voyager's commanding officer allowed herself a moment to close

her eyes and pinch the bridge of her nose, digesting this new information. It was exactly

what they'd feared would happen, but hoped so much to get away without.

"How bad is it?"

"It has only just begun, so we may have a chance to stop it..." Janeway didn't respond

right away; she saw that her alien guest wasn't finished. And indeed, after what must have

been at least half a minute, he continued: "I've made a decision."

"Mr. Annorax?"

"I'd rather discuss this privately, if you allow." All the Federation ship's captain

could do was exchange a worried look with her first officer. Something told her that she

wouldn't like what was about to come. Still, she nodded in Chakotay's direction, who did

nothing to keep the concern out of his expression; concern she knew wasn't about the

situation, but her. May Annorax had proven himself as trustworthy so far, leaving him

alone with his captain was still nothing Voyager's first officer was happy to do. But even

though this was more a wish than an order, he nevertheless respected her wishes as much

as he obeyed her orders.

When Chakotay was gone, she turned towards Annorax once again.

"So?"

"There may be only one way." The alien scientist's voice was so strong and sure in

that moment that Janeway could just have missed that tiny hint of defeat swinging in it.

But she was good enough a knower of people's nature - human and non-human - that she

heard it. In addition to that, he paced her ready room, and even though he did it slow and

graceful, the restlessness was not to miss.

Just as she was asking, "What do you mean?" it dawned on her what he was about to

do. Her eyes widened - something he didn't miss.

"Captain, it worked once. This is still a time ship; this is still the same Time Maker,

from everything I've heard. There's no reason why it shouldn't work. It has already begun

to influence my people in a way it was never supposed to, and all the conflicts, even wars

we talked about earlier are now more than just a theory. I can't be responsible for it, and I

can't have my people go into another period of fighting not that they've finally found

peace. I should have taken that step as soon as I heard your story, but I was selfish to

believe that all that horror could happen again in this time line where so much else seems

to be different. Now I realize that how much I ever try to make believe myself that things

are different, that I can change them; it will always end like this. No one should ever try to

influence time."

"No one is to say that it will work. What if it makes matters worse, now that we are

in a different time line?"

"It won't. I know that for one simple fact: the Time Maker still works the same. Even

though the events leading here may have been different, what the device did was a matter

of mathematics and physics and those don't change. I may not know all the details, but I'm

sure if I did, I could just repeat every change in time and history as it was before, during

our first encounter. And it's safe to assume that your reactions would ultimately lead us to

the point where both Voyager and my ship are colliding again - thus resetting the time

line." Annorax' conviction had Janeway shiver inwardly. She knew he was going to destroy

his own ship - only that he wouldn't need Voyager to do so this time. At least that's what

she hoped.

"I understand why you see this as the only way, but - what if our memories are reset

together with the time line? Then it will start all over again."

"I think I know a way to prevent just that." Voyager's captain waited a moment for

her guest to continue, but soon realized that he wasn't about to explain what he was

planning. His next words confirmed just that.

"I hope that you'll trust me, Captain. I can't explain, but there should be a way to

keep us from losing our memories. And me... from starting this experiment anew."

"You said before that shutting the device down could cause temporal ruptures, which

would have unforeseeable consequences. What about that?"

"Shutting it down would be like cutting a clean hole into the fabric of space. And that

hole would be like a zero point singularity, only that it only affects time directly;

everything else is subsequently influenced." Janeway nodded, understanding his

comparison of the resulting phenomenon of what they knew as Black Holes.

"But if you explode the ship, won't the hole be even bigger, the destruction in space-

time more severe?" This struck a nerve she never even intended to find. But Annorax

looked down for a moment, clearly trying to find the right words - words for a secret he

had intended to keep.

"Not if we don't explode it." And Voyager's commanding officer knew what the

Kremin was planning.

"Annorax..." she began, shaking her head in shock.

"It's the only way. The civil conflicts will calm down; my government is informed

how to end them. Until now, there's not many people who remember; most of those

participating in the fights are members of radical groups who are looking for a reason to

protest and fight. The situation will be under control soon. But I need it to stay that way,

and this will only happen if I don't lose my memories. The price for that... I'm willing to

pay if it brings peace to my people. And the rest of the universe."

"But you will die. And the people on your ship." Her voice sounded hollow and

strangled to herself; the thought of what was about to happen was making her sick.

"As I said. It's a price worth paying."

"Do they know? Your crew?" Janeway breathed in deeply when Annorax shook his

head. It was not her place to judge him or his actions; they had only just met, and even

though they were connected in another time line, another reality, they were still strangers.

But the Krenim scientist had this understanding, almost wise side to him she respected

deeply - and that seemed to respect her every objection of whatever nature just as much.

"Only me, and now you, know about it. I've written a program that, if one puts it

simple, will cause the Time Maker to im- instead of explode. That way, the core of the

machine will open a window into subspace and let the ship, crumpled together, fall

through, before the window is closed again. We will just vanish." He took a deep breath.

"Captain, I understand your resentment of my... solution. I would be the same in your

place. But I can't be responsible to have what I saw and what your crewmembers told us

happen again, in whatever form. Trying to influence time was wrong, from the very

beginning. Captain, I've sent all personnel that doesn't have intimate knowledge of how the

Time Maker works off. Only those capable of rebuilding the machine are still on board. As

is all research data. This will be the definite end of it."

"What will happen to Voyager?"

"You should be unaffected. That means you will keep your memories. And I hope

this will also prevent any more of your crew getting nightmares." Janeway allowed herself

to close her eyes for a moment; then she nodded.

"Thank you, Mr. Annorax." She extended her hand, and the alien man took it without

hesitation. "It was an honor to have met you."

"Likewise, Captain Janeway. You are a good person, and a great commander. I hope

that you and your crew will find your way home soon."

After Annorax was back in Tuvok's company and on his way to the transporter room,

Janeway sat down heavily in her captain's chair, watched with concern by Chakotay. But

right now, she couldn't say anything. She couldn't tell him that she was okay; that

everything was fine. Because it wasn't. But he also didn't asked. He just watched her, for

few seconds. Carefully moved his right hand to meet hers on her armrest and squeeze it

gently. Then returned his attention to the front screen.

She had never felt so grateful.

No one said anything, or asked any questions when the Time Maker registered as

overloading, and finally let the ship, just as Annorax had explained to her, fall together and

vanish in a glimmer of light as it was pulled into subspace. To her understanding, the ship

would only be a small piece of junk that was soon going to dissolve into dust.

As a commander responsible for more than one hundred people, she understood and

respected his decision.

As a human being, however, Janeway blamed herself that she hadn't been able to find

another solution than the death of a good man and scientist.

Epilog

It was the last meeting they'd have, at least of their regular ones, that Janeway,

Chakotay, Torres and Paris shared the evening after they'd left Krenim space and were

back on course to the Alpha Quadrant.

They did their best to keep the mood light and happy; with only so much success.

There was still this hidden note of exhaustion and inner reflecting on events as a part of

them worked through what had happened in all these months since it had all started, and

there was this melancholy about a newly found friend lost again so soon. But they knew

that Annorax, about whose sacrifice Janeway informed the others then, would have wanted

them to honor his memory by going on.

So chatter was as easy as possible; perhaps there were still some things they needed to

talk about, to analyze and take a closer look at, but for now, they wanted nothing more to

leave all that had happened behind them and savor the feeling that they'd once again faced

and overcome a much harder and much more difficult situation than ever before - at least

personally.

"And then I was told to keep his arms close to his body, but of course, since back then

I had no practice whatsoever - or balance, for that matter - I started flailing his arms

helplessly and after a few torturous minutes landed face-down in the snow. My friends

stated that it looked like a comic sequence. They were teasing me with it for years

afterwards, even though I became a lot better than them," Tom told an anecdote from his

early youth, making them all laugh while they ate their dinner. It were the happy stories

and memories they needed right now; even if everything lay behind them.

"I always loved skiing. At least after I had gotten used to being out in the nature, and

the too-cold at that," Janeway now added a story of her own, and Chakotay smiled to

himself. "I often caught myself trying to ascertain the aspects physics brought into the

sport; how to hold the body, how far to bend the knees, how much to lean forward, all in

correlation to the slope... only to have my sister push me from the top of the hill so that I

had no other chance than to rely on instincts instead of physics. I always reached the valley

safely and without accidents. The one time I actually calculated everything thoroughly, just

for the fun of it, I fell halfway down and ended as a ball of snow." She chuckled at the

memory, still vivid in her mind, despite it having been so long ago.

"I wish we'd find a planet that offers the chance to ski. Hills and mountains covered in

powder snow..."

"It's something we always discuss about when we have to choose a holodeck

program," B'Elanna sighed, making Tom take her hand and kiss it. "He wants winter

sports, I want to lie on a beach and go swimming."

"Well, you might get your dream holiday then, B'Elanna," declared Janeway, smiling

knowingly.

"Captain?"

"I think shore leave is in order; it's been long due, and who knows what the upcoming

months, even years may bring. Before he... left... Annorax recommended a planet just

outside Krenim space, a day's trip from here. According to him it has a beautiful seashore.

Also, we will also find supplies there. Course is already laid in; we should be there by

tomorrow afternoon."

The chief engineer and the pilot looked delighted at the prospect of a few free days,

and especially B'Elanna couldn't wait for a bit of sun and warmth after the cold she had had

to experience through her lover. His nightmares had crept into her bones and mind as well,

leaving her with a permanent feeling of someone walking over her grave. Might have also

been a whole army of someones.

"I'm sure the crew will be excited to hear that," the half Klingon nodded and smirked

at the thought of how some people from her engineering team would react; during the past

months without any distractions in form of battles or other problems from the outside,

they'd put Voyager through an complete overhaul, checking every last screw. It might not

have been exhausting, but more often than enough quite dull routine work in narrow and

dim rooms, niches, and other uncomfortable places in the belly of the ship. Added to that,

the temporal waves had left them with some damage that needed to be repaired before they

continued their way home.

"Just don't forget to take a few days off as well," Tom jokingly instructed while he and

B'Elanna rose from their seats.

The older couple across from them just smiled, and Janeway covered Chakotay's hand

with hers. Instinctively Chakotay entwined their fingers, just for a second forgetting where

they were - and who they were with. Only to be reminded of their company when they

heard Tom speak.

"Well," the pilot said, stretching the word while he still contemplated saying what he

was about to say. "At least something good has come out of all this." He gave Janeway and

Chakotay a lop-sided grin and earned himself a shocked looked when they realized what he

had said. Quickly they pulled their hands apart, knowing full well that it was too late

already. The captain was the first to collect her thoughts again.

"Tom, please-"

"Don't worry, Captain," he interrupted her before the hint of horror in her eyes could

increase, "only B'Elanna and me know about it. No one else. At least I've heard no one talk

about it. Your secret's safe with us. But..." He threw a quick, but loving glance at the half

Klingon woman next to him, "we're both happy that you... have someone." The couple

nodded to their commanding duo, then left the room.

Janeway's and Chakotay's expressions showed them deep in thought as they watched

their subordinates and friends go.

"He's right, you know. Despite all the horrors, there actually has come something good

out of it." Kathryn knew he was right before he had even finished the sentence. Under

normal circumstances, she would never have allowed her feelings to grow enough so that

the parameters she'd once defined for herself wouldn't matter anymore.

"And I'm glad it did," she so eventually agreed, and took his hand again. "Come on,

let's go." She didn't need to say where - but she could have very well said home. They still

had each their quarters, but most nights they'd spent in one; hers, mostly, as it was bigger.

He knew that sooner or later, when they decided to make it official, they'd share quarters,

and he was looking forward to the day when they didn't need to carefully sneak through

one of the doors to either her or his rooms anymore.

One thing Chakotay loved most about his relationship with Kathryn was their ability

to be together and, despite their mutual desire for the other, not constantly feel the need to

let a simple touch lead to much more. The physical aspect of their togetherness was intense

and very fulfilling, but still they could as well allow themselves the luxury of a water

shower together, soaping and caressing each other, and not let it go any further.

In nights when they had to get up early the next morning and thus forewent

lovemaking, being close like this was enough; it even made the experience the next time

they surrendered to their passion much more powerful and satisfying.

Now Chakotay was sitting in her bed, waiting for her while she was going through her

usual routine of tidying up her quarters a bit; he'd gotten to know this habit back on New

Earth already, had always heard and sometimes watched her putting things back to their

rightful place. He knew it was her way of ending the day; bringing order to her quarters

resembled doing the same to her mind, in some way. He loved watching her then; it even

amused him, because it was a crack in the usually perfect façade, this little obsession she

couldn't do anything against.

But this time, she suddenly stilled, even though he knew she wasn't yet finished.

"I still can't believe how different our timelines were. I mean, in another universe the

Krenim were our enemies and had us fighting till the very end," she commented, out of the

blue, while standing in front the bed and still holding a tunic she had wanted to place,

neatly folded, over the back of a chair.

"Temporal physics are-"

"A cause for headaches." Chakotay chuckled and pulled back the covers as an

invitation so that she'd finally join him. She followed his silent request - after disposing of

the tunic - and slipped beneath the blanket to sit next to him in the bed.

"I wanted to say, nothing any logic applies to, but I guess that's the same," he winked

and kissed her temple.

"Just imagine what would have happened if..." She trailed off; there were many ways

to end this sentence, and Chakotay knew every single one of them, even without her

voicing them.

"It doesn't matter anymore. We got through this, Kathryn. And it showed once more

how well we work together. Not just as a crew, but the both of us in particular."

"I'm glad you never lost hope, you know. I was worried about that; I don't know if I

would have been able to manage."

"I couldn't have done it without you. But I knew you were with me, and so were the

others. I have friends, I have people who care about me." He gently caressed her cheek. "I

have you. I could never lose hope."

"I know. That's what I love about you." Chakotay studied her then for several minutes;

just looked at her and said nothing, and Kathryn felt herself getting nervous. "What?"

"You said it," he simply replied.

"Said what?" A confused and rather helpless smile appeared on her face, and he

couldn't help but smile himself.

"That you love me." She frowned at first; but laughed out loud when the words sank

in.

"Actually, I said that I love that particular attitude about you," she teased and grinned,

pecking him on the cheek. Then she grew serious. "But yes. I love you, Chakotay.

Admitting it may have taken me a long time, but I love you. Have for a while. And you

knew it, didn't you?"

"In some way I guess I did. But it is incredible to hear it." He drew her close to him

and kissed her gently, pouring every last ounce of love he felt for her into the gesture, and

she returned it, making him feel just how much she meant her confession. "I love you,

too," he then whispered when they parted again.

They sank down on the bed and just held each other close, relishing the feeling of

what they had, finally had; this new life, this new relationship that bloomed now that the

strain of the past months lay behind them. They were free to pursue their feelings, free to

admit to them, and it was a weight lifted off their shoulders, not having to carry around

hidden emotions and affections anymore. It was funny how easy it was once they were out

in the open.

Kathryn snuggled into Chakotay's embrace, his strong arms, his broad, solid chest, and

sighed contentedly. She had often wondered what it would feel like, being held by him so

close. She had always longed for it; being as safe, as protected, as loved as she was right

then. Even though she had pushed him away; her desire to have someone, have him, to take

care of the woman beneath the captain's mask had been there for longer than she even

dared to admit.

Chakotay suppressed a chuckle when he heard her contented sigh. Who would have

thought that Kathryn Janeway, his beloved petite captain, was a cuddler? Since they had

began spending their nights together, he had found himself amazed at how close she

remained throughout the night. A woman as independent and self-confident as her he

hadn't expected to seek that much closeness.

Not that he was complaining.

Whatever had happened in the past months, and however horrible it might have been,

he would go through it all over again if it meant having Kathryn in his arms every night -

hopefully for the rest of his life. He loved that woman too much to ever let her go again;

and he knew he couldn't also. It should have been shocking to him how reliant he was on

her; instead it just felt right. A universal decision; a constant, a law of nature.

He wrapped his arms that bit tighter around her, holding her close and listened to her

breath even out; then he closed his eyes and slipped into the realm of dreams himself.

The ugly sneer of a bony monster was staring right into her face, daring her to come

closer, to run into her own downfall; her death. It knew she didn't have a choice, just like it

knew that the bravery she showed was a mere façade. It cackled, the sound sickening and

frightening, as she tried to look past it, ignore it, ignore the truth she knew she would have

to face anyways.

She was going to die. Another one or two minutes, and her life would end. But she

wouldn't give in. She never did. It was the path she had chosen, and she would be damned

if she let that demon that awaited her already win in also taking away her last moments in

the world of the living.

This was her moment. This was her victory. Maybe she would follow it into its hell, but

before that, she would make sure that only those who deserved it followed her, but not her

crew, her friends. Her family.

The ship was steering directly towards that other, bigger and more powerful one, but

she knew that her ship, her damaged but still beautiful lady, would be victorious. And that

was all that counted.

"Time's up." She growled, still ignoring the creature trying to block her view, trying to

get her to look at it, and narrowed her eyes as she focused on the enemy ship. Seconds

later, heat consumed her.

It was the end.

Kathryn lunged upwards with a gasp, an almost-scream only barely contained. Her

heart rate was breaking every record, as was her breathing rate, and her whole body was so

slick with sweat that she instantly shivered in the cool air of the bedroom.

"Kathryn, darling, what happened?" she heard the concerned voice of Chakotay who

had been risen from his slumber when she had suddenly pulled from his embrace, and he

stroked her hair soothingly while she wrapped her arms around herself.

"A nightmare," she whispered and looked at Chakotay with wide eyes.

THE END

Table of Contents

Chapter One

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7