Flames Burn Out
- Chapter 3: The Price of Knowledge -
He was livid. It hadn't been the best of times but she should have told him. 'I got a name, a Jane Cutler.' Red, he'd seen red instantly, and felt his heart shift to somewhere in his throat. He knew she'd kept it from him, knew it beyond a doubt. She was afraid, an inner voice rationalized, but he was far too angry to listen to it. He was angry with her, furious with the one who had done it, and beyond insanely pissed with himself for being such a bastard and not noticing. He swore a painful death on anyone involved with it. And what about her? The inner voice popped up again. She has the guilt; you know she does. She's like you, blames herself if others are hurt around her or because of her.
He knew that was true also. He'd been there during the firefight outside Paris. She'd killed on her first shot and it had devastated her. Her bright green eyes had been dull, vacant, and it had stayed with him. He'd held her that night and told her it wasn't her fault, she'd tried to believe him but knew she still carried the guilt even today, with a much larger body count under her. He'd seen a faint hint of the vacant dullness after she'd been kidnapped, as she'd looked at the two dead bodies. He'd remembered her barley whispered comment, 'You killed because of me.' He hadn't responded to it, it had been the only solution to him. He'd seen the look again when he'd woken up after the coma didn't remember her. The truth was that even though he couldn't remember her name, he remembered her, and the emotions he associated with her, he never mentioned that detail to anyone.
The elevator doors finally opened to the MTAC floor and he exited only to find the object of his thoughts right in front of him. He looked at her raising his eyes to meet hers but she'd darted hers away. She's ashamed, he thought briefly before stepping to the side and allowing her to get on. He followed her and the door closed. He'd noticed she'd hit the button for Autopsy and flipped the emergency switch, his first instinct to spare her anymore pain.
"Jethro?" She questioned, she did not want to be stuck in a four by six area with him. He heard her voice, questioning and he resisted the urge to simply pull her close and hold and swear to her that he would never let anything happen to her again. He stumbled around for something to say to her and finally just spoke.
"Ducky thinks he may have suffocated them to death. The knife wound isn't deep enough to kill." How exactly am I supposed to tell her the rest? He watched as anger settled on her features and knew she was trying to restrain herself from hitting the wall.
"When you catch him, let Ziva interrogate him," she said in a 'just let her kill him' tone and he pondered it for a minute. He thought back to Ziva in autopsy and how she had said that Jenny hadn't been able to get the clearance, it's possible she knows, he realized.
"I was going to let DiNozzo and McGee start," he told her as the idea began to form.
"Why? Ziva can be very persuasive." She was rather surprised he was even telling her the game plan; he usually went off and did as he pleased and she'd hear about it later.
"She'd probably kill him and I have no qualms about executing him on the spot when I find him," he responded. She could hear the underlying anger and wondered if this was simply because all the victims looked like her and thus like all his other wives and if this was what he was seeing.
"You know as much as I may think it's appropriate, we can't do that," she reminded. "I'm surprised Ziva would opt to kill, she loves to tor...interrogate."
"I think she wants to kill him slowly, make him suffer the way he's made her friend suffer," Gibbs said conversationally and watched as Jenny froze in place. She clenched and unclenched her fists, he doesn't know, he means the girl from the bar in Cairo, he has to!
"Ziva knew one of the victims?" She inquired trying not to let her voice waver.
"She knew her after the fact," he replied. She turned away slightly. "I knew her too." He watched as her shoulders slumped and she turned so her back was to him completely. "Jen, why didn't you tell me?"
"Tell you what?" She retorted.
"Jen," he drawled. "Jane Cutler was your cover."
"Jane's a common name, could be a fake name, could just be a coincidence," she tried. She could feel his gaze on her back. She was not ready to handle this; she could not deal with him knowing.
"She's the first victim, if it was just a fake name then why would others turn up near her?" She had no response. "Why were you even out of the house?" He questioned trying to understand how this could have happened, and how could I not notice? He watched as she placed her two hands on the rail and kept her eyes on the floor. He could hear her taking deep breaths, he knows, oh god he knows!
"I was going to surprise you," she whispered finding that her voice would not go above that quiet sound. He felt his guilt double but still couldn't understand it, she would have fought like hell, she was trained in hand-to-hand combat, and she could have taken him out. "The only warning I got was a needle prick."
"Needle?" He echoed, Ducky didn't mention needle marks.
"It was some kind of drug, I couldn't move," her voice had gone flat as if she were some drone simply repeating what was programmed. He thought up new curses for the one responsible and took a step closer to her, she stood in place but tensed as if waiting to strike.
"I should have noticed," he scolded aloud.
"You did, I just pulled away," she tried to absolve his guilt but he wouldn't let it go that easily. He put his hand on her shoulder and felt her flinch away as if burned.
"Jenny," his voice was soothing and yet she could detect the hurt. She knew what was coming next and did not want to hear it. "Jen, none of this is your fault." She turned away again and he turned her back placing both hands on her shoulders gently. "I..."
"No Jethro, this is my fault. None of them would be dead if I had died," the words simply spilled from her mouth but once they were out the thoughts just settled and attacked her. "They are all dead because I lived."
"Jen..." but she was far to gone to hear him. He watched as he face paled to a white he hadn't ever seen before and he tried to hold her but she fought back.
"It's my fault, all my fault." She hit his chest with her fists and kept repeating the same phrase, blaming herself. He swore that when this was over, she was going to forget the phrase it's my fault. Jen, this is destroying you. He felt her knees weaken and knew she would simply let herself fall so he held her tighter and gently pulled her to the floor beside him. Her fighting was weakened and finally she just went limp and numb. He could hear her irregular breathing and wrapped an arm around her as he felt her shiver.
"Jen, none of this is because of you," he said quietly. "You could have just been the first, he may have done all this anyway. He's a serial killer, it doesn't mean it was because of you," he coaxed.
"That's not what you think, that's not what your team thinks."
"Screw what they think Jen, it's not because of you."
"You're lying," she whispered. "It was my own fault." He cringed at that phrase again, fully aware that this time there was more behind it. Maybe if he hadn't pissed her off to the point of needing to separate this wouldn't have happened, maybe if he had listened to her reasons instead of jumping to conclusions, or maybe if he'd just taken care of her like he should have.
"I should have taken better care of you," it was barley a whisper but she caught it and it broke her heart all over again. The tears came this time that he could love her so, and still now care for her; even after all she put him through.
"You took better care of me than anyone else, Jethro," she said brokenly. She settled her head on his chest, something she hadn't done in a long while, and found his heartbeat still a comfort. Gibbs held her tightly swearing yet another thousand deaths on the man responsible for this and the others who had hurt her. "Things could have been so different, he took it all away."
"Jen, it..."
"No!" She tucked her head under his chin, a spot she had learned gave them both the support and comfort they needed. "You don't understand, he took everything."
"Jen, he didn't take your life," Jethro argued, for which I'm grateful.
"He took part of it," she snapped. Jethro ran his hand down her back silently trying to calm her down. He felt her take another deep breath, he knew he wasn't going to like what ever came out of her mouth next and so braced himself for the worse. He didn't want her to tell him, he had a vivid enough imagination, but he knew he would listen. "I told you I wasn't feeling very well," she paused and he could feel a very faint smile cross her face. "You just thought it was...that time of the month and stayed out of the line of fire. "Well duh, he thought idly and knew that this somewhat amusing memory had a much more upsetting meaning. "But it wasn't. I...I..." she stopped unable to continue.
He thought back and remembered. She had been sick in the mornings for at least two weeks. There was crying over sad movies and flowers and beautiful views and she had tried to hide it most of the time, the other times she told him something was in her eye. Then there had been nothing, she was no longer sick, no longer crying at random things or in general, she was still as passionate but there was something different about the passion. She was desperate for it and then, then there had been her decision. He had been almost positive she would have agreed to move back to the states. She knew she could have advanced her career in DC just as quickly as if she had stayed in Europe, something no one else besides the two of them really knew. It was like she had simply changed her minds. She said it was because she didn't want to be an ex-wife, that she loved him too much to want him to hate her. Which was total bullshit, and she knew that too... unless there's another reason she thought I would hate her. Her words however forced him to ignore that memory and think back again to her sickness. He thought it had been a cold because it went away, but if it had stayed, he thought. Morning sickness? Crying...that all leads to...oh Jen. He tightened his hold on her, now he could understand it, the pain she always had lurking in her eyes when she looked at him even now.
"Jen, what happened?" He heard a sob and felt her trying to pull away; he wouldn't release his grip.
"I...I miscarried," she got out. "That was the surprise, I'd just found out and I thought you'd be happy and I had it all planned and then...I just...I failed."
"Jen that was not your fault. You have no control over that, your body kept you alive, that's what's important," he told her and yet he knew it wasn't all-true. It hurt even more to hear her confirm what he'd always wondered about. Sometimes he half expected to find a red head, blue eyed little girl wandering around, but always banished the thought. Now it as another chance being torn away, grant it a chance that was over long before it started but still.
"I couldn't tell you," she defended. "And now...I'm sorry Jethro."
"Don't," he said putting a finger to her lips. "Don't ever apologize about that, it was not your fault." He knew that much was true; he knew it was likely eating away at her and had been for years, probably even more so now that she knew about Kelley.
"This is never going to stop, he's going to keep killing because I lived," she said sadly.
"You lived because you were supposed to help catch him," he coaxed. "It wasn't your time."
She had a small smirk at that. It wasn't like him to be sentimental and she knew it was to comfort her. Surprisingly she felt somewhat better now that he knew the truth and didn't seem to hate her. He also didn't seem to mind her cuddling so she just stayed put. She had needed this security for years and she would keep it for however long he let her.
"You know you can't be left alone," he told her after a minute.
"You think he's following me," she stated the obvious.
"Jen, he's been stalking you for years. I suspect he's going to figure out that we're on to him. He may try to finish what he started," Gibbs explained. He knew it was blunt but he couldn't take any more chances.
"I'll step up my security detail," she agreed.
"You shouldn't stay at your house," he pointed out.
"The house is safe."
"Jen, he knows where you live, those sites were chosen specifically!"
"And just what do you suggest?" She inquired becoming annoyed. What exactly do I see in him? "A hotel?"
"You could stay with Ziva, or Abby, or me..."
"You don't think this guy knows where they live?"
"I'm sure he does, but he probably hasn't studied their houses and you wouldn't be alone."
"I'm not running Jethro. He's not going to force me from my house." He gave her a long hard stare that she met and returned. "You can give the Gibbs' stubbornness stare all you want, I've made up my mind," she declared.
"Someone's going to stay with you," he announced happy that she at least met his eyes.
"Fine." She had her minor victory. "Ziva and I can talk, Tony can camp out in front of the plasma with my movies, and McGee will probably analyze the book collection."
"Which is why they'll be your shadow during the day." He knew it was like mixing flames and oxygen to put the two of them in a house alone, but he'd take the chance.
"Great," she muttered. She heard his phone and he answered in his usual fashion exchanging a few words.
"Ducky has something," he told her pushing himself to his feet and offering her a hand up. He let the elevator resume its trip to autopsy. "I don't think..."
"You think too much, Jethro," she responded stepping off and going into the room. Gibbs followed quickly and was grateful to see that the bodies had been removed.
"Ah Jethro, Director," Ducky greeted.
"What can you tell us Ducky?" Jenny questioned. Ducky raised an eyebrow sometimes he wondered if the two saw how alike they were.
"Not a lot, both victims were drugged. I found the needle mark upon closer examination and Abby is running toxicology. I believe it was most likely it paralyzes as none of the victims have defense wounds.
"They have family?" Gibbs inquired.
"Loners it appears, one ran their own business, and the other was in position for a new command. Such a shame," Ducky commented idly. Gibbs glanced at Jenny and noticed the color fading from her face again. He grabbed her arm as Ducky continued revealing the victims.
"Ducky, call me when find more evidence," Gibbs said loudly making sure Jenny followed him out of the room. She stumbled slightly not ready for the sudden shift in her equilibrium. Gibbs stopped short feeling her stumble and turned back. He watched her regain her balance.
"What?" She asked.
"Nothing," he replied loosening his grip a little. He led her to the elevator and back to Abby's lab. The rest of the team was hanging out watching the screens run searches and were unusually quiet.
"Gibbs!" Abby exclaimed. "Director," she added quietly. The rest of the team glanced at the door.
"Any results?"
"No DNA yet, he's good Gibbs," Abby responded hoping that wouldn't result in her getting in trouble. She had no control over the evidence.
"Leads?" There was silence. Not good, Abby thought. "Abby go with the Director, she can give you a description of the crime scene in Cairo," Gibbs ordered. "In her office," he added.
Abby quickly moved toward the elevator. Gibbs let go of Jen's arm completely and pointed. She was momentarily stunned and becoming royal pissed off. Apparently I'm not needed. She joined Abby by the elevator.
"Director, if you don't mind, could we take the stairs?" Abby asked.
"Of course," Jenny answered and walked with the young women. No sooner had they rounded the corner did Jenny hear Gibbs voice loud and clear.
"Would anyone care to explain why there are no leads?" Silence. "There are eight dead women, two killed in your Director's backyard, and none of you seem the least bit concerned!" He snapped. "Is there a reason none of you are working?"
"Boss it's just that..."
"DiNozzo did I ask for an excuse?" Jenny recognized his tone. She didn't hear it that often, it was Jethro worried, which was very different from Gibbs worried. She'd stopped and Abby was looking at the floor.
"How often does this happen?"
"What?" Jenny put her hand on the younger girl's shoulder; she suspected that she too knew the difference.
"Abby, I've heard it before, he used to be my boss remember?"
"He hasn't been this bad since McGee shot that cop, and Tony got framed, and my stalker boy friend, and you getting kidnapped."
"Well that's good," Jenny responded turning back to the lab. Abby was shocked but followed.
"Uh Director, I wouldn't..."
"Abby he was my Boss, now I'm his, and Gibbs yelling at them isn't going to help anything."
"It's not that, its just...have you seen the pictures? Tony and Ziva are concerned."
"Jethro is too, trust me I'm getting a detail because of it," she remarked. She walked straight back in the lab and the team slowly backed up.
"This never turns out well for the kids," Ziva whispered.
"Abby I thought I told you..."
"I overruled you," Jenny spoke up and received a Gibbs glare for her efforts. "Won't work on me, I'm not a junior agent, or a junior director," she snapped.
"Please say Gibbs didn't call her that," Tony pleaded.
"Director..." Gibbs was slowly falling to the end of his rope. He was trying to protect her damnit!
"Don't Director me, they're off the hook. It's been eight years..."
"And less than eight hours since the most recent one," Gibbs fought back. "It wouldn't have even been eight years if..." he mumbled but she caught it and felt her entire being shatter and replace itself with anger. How could he...why... Thinking hurt too much.
"Abby, I'm borrowing your office, the rest of you out!" Jenny ordered.
"Don't even..." Gibbs began to his team.
"Out if you want jobs in the morning!" The team scattered quickly.
"You better have leads when I get up there!" As the door closed behind the four of them they heard the sound of a hand striking flesh and resisted the urge to look back. They stopped when they got around the corner.
"Did she..." McGee began. The others nodded.
"We better find something," Abby warned.
"Maybe we should call Ducky to...judge...uh reciprocate?"
"Referee," Tony guessed. Ziva nodded. "You can call," he replied leading the way back to the squad room.