Understanding
Author: A'serene
Category: Hurt/Comfort
Rating: PG
Spoiler: 5x03 Ex-File
Contents:Post Ex-File... Gibbs needs to run, find an understanding that Hollis just doesn't seem to get. How could she be upset with him over not telling him, why is it that only Jen seems to get it?
Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS.
He heard Kelley's voice followed by
"Jethro," Hollis called softly. He swallowed his emotions and looked up at her. "You have all these tapes."
"They're my family," he replied.
"They're gone Jethro," she reminded gently. "You can ‘t carry their ghosts around."
"You don't know what you're talking about," he said a bit harsher then he intended.
"Would you have ever told me?" She questioned sounding unsure.
"Eventually." Although he wasn't too sure about that.
"Eventually? Don't you think I should know?"
"You know now."
"Does your team even know?"
"Of course," he answered, the team was the centre of his life.
"When did you tell them?"
"I didn't, Ducky did, just as apparently he told you." He still wasn't happy with his old friend.
"Ducky told me because I should know. Jethro how can you be in a relationship with lies?"
"I never lied to you.""No, not exactly, but you didn't tell me the whole truth either," she responded. God those words sound familiar, he thought.
"I had my reasons."
"Reasons? What reasons? How could you not tell me?"
"They're not here, it's hardly relevant."
"It is relevant!" She protested and another thought occurred to her. "Does you Director even know?" She asked, she could handle it if she didn't know, but Hollis was sure she did.
"Leave Jen out of it."
"I'll take that as a yes, so when did you tell her?"
"I called her
"You told me you weren't involved with her, and hadn't been for years." How could she still have such a spot in his life?
"I was in a coma, I didn't remember anything past
"So she knows, surprised she never said anything."
"She had her own secrets," he responded sounding somewhat bitter but trying to drop Jen from the conversation. Hollis studied him closely, the day flashing before her. She had had a hard time understanding the relationship the two former partners had and today was just more proof that Jennifer Shepard would always know just a little bit more about him. She wondered if he realized that.
"She knew about Stephanie too."
"She met her once, before I got involved with Stephanie." Which begs the question did you replace her with Stephanie?
"She knew you married her, she deliberately baited you today."
"If it had been Diane it would have been a lot worse," Gibbs assured.
"Why?"
"Stephanie doesn't hate Jenny, Diane really despises her, but that might be because Fornell talks about her," he was slightly amused with that thought.
"How come she knows about Stephanie? You weren't partners anymore."
"Ducky, if I had to guess," he answered.
"So it's okay if Ducky tells her something but not me."
"It's two entirely different things," he protested. She knew she wouldn't get any more out of that argument.
"They're both gone Jethro, you need to talk about it and move on," she told him gently.
"I have put it behind me."
"You haven't," she accused. "And how can I compete with a ghost?"
"Why would you have to?" Hollis just sighed and moved past him.
"Let me know when you want to talk," she called back. He heard her enter the kitchen. She had no right to drag this out, maybe after a year, but after a few months? NO! Why couldn't she understand that they were just a part of him, he couldn't forget them, but he had let the past go. He'd come to terms as best he could with it, and that was just that, even Jen had understood his reasons, or at least recognized that I had them. He needed out, he left the basement went out the front door, slamming it behind him, and walked down the street.
An hour later he was standing in front of a townhouse confused and unsure. Memories of Shannon and Kelley danced around in his head and occasionally another woman slipped into them. He was surprised at where he'd ended up and wasn't sure he'd thought it through. It was late, she was probably asleep, but he was a Marine,and Marines weren't afraid of little things like this. He knocked once, soft enough so it wouldn't disturb her unless she was nearby. A moment later he heard the lock twisting and the door opening. She was in jeans, barefoot, and a sweatshirt, her shoulder length hair pulled back with a clip.
"Jethro," she sounded about as surprised as he felt, but her eyes betrayed their worry.
"Can I come in?"
"Of course," she replied stepping aside to let him in. She glanced out at the driveway but didn't see his car. That's odd, she thought. He was standing in the hall studying the wall as she closed the door and turned to him. He looked defeated, not a word she would usually associate with him and she vaguely wondered where Colonel Mann was. His eyes glanced toward her study to find the door closed.
"What happened to your study?"
"It's a mess, I let Naomi have the week off and decided to do some work," she answered. "You want a drink?"
"If you're having one." She led him into the living room where he spotted her bourbon and some glasses on a shelf. She grabbed two and poured his drink handing it to him.
"Jethro?"
"Jen?"
"Where's you car?" She asked.
"At home, I walked."
"From your house?" She clarified. He nodded and she knew better then to push it.
"Stephanie dropped by."
"Oh?" That couldn't have made the Colonel happy, she thought.
"It was fine."
"If she hadn't cheated, you think you'd still be married to her?" She inquired.
"Probably not," he laughed. She nodded her head in understanding. "You two had a nice conversation."
"I wouldn't call it nice, I lied through half of it."
"Oh," Gibbs sighed, he could guess what she lied about. "That was probably a good idea."
"You're not still irritated that I agreed with the Colonel are you?"
"Wasn't irritated to begin with."
"Yes you were, but I heard it was most entertaining," she laughed. "Why did Tony think you were so happy to see him?"
"He had information and he was hoping he wouldn't get head slapped." She knew that wasn't the entire reason.
"It could've been worse," she told him after a minute.
"Oh really?" He countered.
"Could've been Diane," she replied and she chuckled at the memory of the moment the word ex-wife had been mentioned and her panic that it was Diane.
"That would have been interesting, more fun for me," he retorted. She glared at him before losing her resolve and smirking.
"I would've locked myself in MTAC and called Fornell," she paused. "I can't imagine she would have liked the Colonel either."
"Probably not."
"She's not mad at Stephanie is she?"
"Not really, think she was just as amused as you were."
"She talked to Ducky for a long time."
"Yea." She waited for the rest, for his usual comment about it not being her business but it never came. His mood shifted and she could sense that this may in part have something to do with unexplained presences.
"Jethro what's the matter?"
"Nothing."
"Right. Did she ask him about Stephanie?"
"No." Oh please not me.
"Me?"
"Not that I know of," but he had the look that said he hadn't considered that.
"Another ex-wife?"
"Not exactly." Jen fell quiet at that. She didn't think he'd told her about Shannon and Kelley, but maybe it was more serious then she thought. Not that you have a claim on him, her inner voice reminded.
"So about Sh...Kelley, then."
"She didn't know, Ducky told her."
"Ducky told her?" Jenny was shocked, that wasn't the way it was supposed to work. "Why...well I suppose the way doesn't matter."
"Nope."
"So you two worked it out," she began.
"She's upset because I never told her." I know the feeling, she thought momentarily, but then again I had years, and she's only got months.
"You've only been dating for four months," she reminded. "That's not very long."
"That's what I told her," he huffed. "I said I would have told her, eventually."
"Would you?" She questioned and got a Gibbs' glare in return; she gave him one of her own.
"I don't know." She sighed and thought about it for a moment, she had considered all the reasons he never told her and in the end hadn't been able to fault him, after all she had kept her own secrets. The one reason that had always stood out to her was his desire to protect her and she would assume she wasn't the only woman that he felt that way about.
"Well I suppose it would be to protect her from the pain," she suggested. "How can she blame you for that?" I certainly can't.
"She asked if the team knew."
"They're your team, your family."
"She asked if you knew."
"Oh...but that was entirely different," she argued and then thought about it, but how would she know that? "But she didn't know about the coma, did she?" He shook his head and she took a sip of her drink.
"I told her about the coma, she was surprised you never brought it up."
"I did...but I shouldn't have and its not like I could say anything, I never said a word about my father," she responded.
"Then she wanted to know how you would know about Stephanie and..."
"Ducky told me, he wasn't particularly happy with me at the time too."
"She then was mad because I don't care if Ducky tells you something but I do care if he tells her."
"It's not comparable! Ducky shouldn't have said anything, because it wasn't something everyone should know."
"She thinks I can't let go."
"You can't," she agreed. "But it's what makes you who you are. They were your family and yes every woman you meet is compared her and every child you see reminds you of Kelley, but it's what makes you who you are Jethro. You're protective of your team so they never have to suffer the loss and you go after the bad guys so the victims can have the closure."
"Hollis doesn't see it that way."
"She sees it as a hindrance," Jenny inferred. "And maybe she sees how you blame yourself for what happened."
"So you don't?"
"I don't have to see it, I know you blame yourself, but it wasn't your fault and I know that somewhere you know that too. You keep some part of yourself hidden away so you won't ever have to face that loss again and its not a good way to live, but it's how you are, she has to accept that," Jen explained. If she were being honest she would wish that the Army Colonel never understood it, but he seemed to like her and if it made him happy, she knew she would have to accept it.
"Do you think if I told you then, you'd accept it so lightly?"
"I don't know," she answered honestly. "But I think I knew enough to know that it wasn't because you didn't rust me or didn't care. It certainly would have explained a lot," she sighed. "And in the end I guess I would have been happy you'd told me."
"If someone else had told you?"
"I wouldn't have said anything, till I knew what happened, then maybe ask and trust that you would tell me what I needed to know."
"If I said I'd put it behind me." She raised an eyebrow.
"I wouldn't believe it completely, but I'd understand," she replied glancing down at her drink.
"Would you have told me about your father?"
"I don't know. I would have been more likely to tell you perhaps, but that would have been giving away information. I wouldn't have wanted...something to happen, because you knew."
"I would've backed you up," he assured. She nodded.
"I know," she paused. "It's the past, can't change it now."
"Yea," he agreed. He was rather surprised they had just had the conversation they did, without auguring. It was probably the only honest conversation they'd had since she'd become Director. He still didn't understand how Jen could get it and Hollis just couldn't. "Why is it that she's not seeing it this way and..."
"And I do?" She finished. "Jethro I've know you a long time, it shouldn't be such a surprise that I can occasionally guess your thoughts."
He nodded apparently in agreement with her. She didn't say anything more he downed his drink. She didn't know what would happen next, she didn't know what could happen next. His quietness worried her, his stillness a torment. She felt his pain, not as strongly of course, but when he ached her heart fractured. She wanted to see his smile again or the light that would flash into his crystal blue eyes when he was amused. She missed him and she knew she couldn't act on it. Hollis was a decent woman; if it hadn't been for Gibbs they might have been friends. The house phone rang startling them both; Jenny nodded apologetically and entered the kitchen picking up the phone.
Gibbs watched her leave, her movements incredibly familiar. He could hear her soft voice over the phone, talking to Naomi, he thought. He often marveled how she could sound so soft and yet so strong, how her sweetness could intimidate. Her voice lulled him to a relaxed state where he slowly felt his eyes closing. That was how Jenny found him.
"Jethro, your..." She'd stopped the second she'd spotted him, asleep on her couch. She knew it reclined and was probably better then sleeping on the wood under the boat. She couldn't' help the smile that spread across her face as she knelt down to slip off his shoes, a movement she had done many times years ago. She carefully reclined the couch, his body following the movements. He has to be exhausted, she realized if he wasn't waking up to this. She grabbed a blanket and covered him up. He was cute when he slept.
She heard the faint buzzing of something and realized it was his phone. The noise didn't seem to be disturbing him so she followed it to the main where his jacket lay draped over the staircase. She pulled the phone out of his pocket and checked the caller ID. Hollis Mann, she read in flashing letters. Oh the temptations, she sighed. If she answered his phone at this hour or period Hollis would not be happy and probably break up with him, she knew she couldn't' do it. She let the call go to voicemail and knew he'd check it later. She hung up in his coat in the closet and placed the phone in the living room next to hers. She grabbed a file from her study and settled herself in the chair next to the couch. She had barely made it through the preliminaries when another knock sounded at her door. It was soft and hesitant. She glanced out the curtain and noticed the car in the driveway. She didn't recognize it, but moved silently killing the lights in the room. She grabbed her gun from the drawer in the table near the door and opened the door slowly. The sight that greeted her was a shock.
"Colonel," she greeted. Mann looked about as uncomfortable as Jenny felt.
"Director, I'm sorry to bother you."
"No problem, has something happened?" She hoped her voice sound anxious and not nervous.
"Uh no, actually...have you spoken to Jethro since the case ended?"
"Briefly," Jenny answered. There, not a lie. "Stephanie was free and clear."
"Yes, I guess I was just hoping..." she trailed off and Jenny waited patiently coming outside, pulling the door semi-closed. If Mann thought it odd, she didn't mention it. "Can I ask you something personal?"
"Second time today I've been asked that," Jenny remarked but nodded.
"You knew about his family."
"Yes..."
"He said you found out when he was in a coma," Mann began hoping that Jenny would fill in the blanks. She watched the brief pain flicker across Jenny's face and knew that this story was not easy for the woman in front of her to remember.
"I did, the doctor who treated him had treated him in '91 after an explosion and subsequent coma. He had found out his wife and daughter had been killed and the news just...he woke up from the coma after eighteen days. After the rehab and transfer he'd missed the funeral. His wife, Shannon, had witnessed a drug dealer murder someone, the drug lord wanted to ensure there were not witnesses."
"And the drug lord?"
"Case file indicates that the case is cold and unsolved."
"Don't suppose there's a but?"
"It's up to individual thought after that," Jenny finished and she knew what she thought and believed in her heart, Ducky had been right; Gibbs had gotten his revenge.
"When he woke this most recent time, he didn't know you."
"Not at first," she replied. "His memory came back slowly, but he knew me and Ducky and then the rest of his team."
"Then he left. How'd you know he'd be back?" Mann inquired. Jenny shrugged.
"He's Gibbs, he'd needed some time to recover but he would never abandon his team."
"You let him come back."
"He is the best Agent I have," she responded, and then shook her head. "And he was my partner."
"Your bosses couldn't have been pleased."
"I never filed the package, he was using his backlog vacation days," she related. Hollis nodded, all she had was because he had been her partner, was that the kind of loyalty Gibbs required or inspired?
"You did just because he had been your partner." Jenny nodded.
"I wouldn't be the Director of NCIS if it hadn't been for him, probably wouldn't have survived to Field Agent," she paused and remembering the first words spoken to her when she'd become ‘officially' the Director. He's your problem now. "And Director Morrow thought I could handle him."
"Was he right?"
"Some of the time," she laughed. She glanced at her watch. "I shouldn't keep you, Gibbs must be worried." She noticed the other woman's hesitancy. "If he's not building that boat of his he may have gone to Abby's or Ducky's."
"Can I ask you one last thing?" She nodded again. "When Shariff poisoned him, you knew something was wrong, but no one else did, they took him at his word."
"Was there a question in that?"
"How?"
"I've seen him on Death's door more than once and each time he manages to live. I knew he was hiding something," Jenny said. It was really an answer but it would do. Jenny watched the Colonel get in her car and leave. She knew she would have to mention this visit to Gibbs, but right now she was exhausted. She had never told anyone all that had happened in the hospital room and she knew she never would. She wasn't too sure Gibbs would be happy with her discussing it at all but perhaps it had given Mann a clearer understanding. Secretly Jenny hoped not, Mann had it all wrong, or did she have it all wrong? That was the nagging thought.
Would Mann be the one to provide the comfort needed because she was thinking more rationally? Jenny knew she had her own issues many that affect her thoughts, but hadn't considered that her fading to the back and waiting was not what Gibbs needed. What if he needs the confrontation? She knew she had to stop these comparisons; it would not do any good. She checked on Gibbs once more, while curling back up in her chair and picking up the case report and reading. She slowly felt her eyes closing and drifted off.
---
Gibbs was startled awake by an inner alarm. At first he was confused, the ceiling was not his, the room didn't smell like saw dust and he was lying on something cushiony. He glanced around as the memories of the previous night returned to him. Jen. He sat up slowly and found her curled up in the chair next to him. The report she had been reading was on the floor and her hands were under her cheek almost as a pillow. He glanced at the clock on the mantle and found it to be around six-thirty. He would have to leave soon to go home and change, but did he want to just leave without saying anything? No. I could at least make coffee. He quietly slipped out of the room and into the large kitchen. If memory serves the coffee should be...he opened the cabinet on the side, right here! Ha! He found the blend she favored the most and quickly made some.
The aroma reached her and her twitched. The smell was comforting and she woke up softly to it. She glanced over at the couch and her heart skipped a beat.Jethro. So he'd left, not that she should've been surprised, he had the Colonel; he really shouldn't have stayed the night. Well I won't regret it, I'll just tell him about the Colonel later. She uncurled herself, stretched her cramped legs and moved toward the kitchen. The fact that Naomi had the day off completely slipped her mind until she went through the door and froze. The sight before her shocked her and yet tugged at something in her memories. He turned at the sound of her feet on the floor and slid a cup of coffee over the counter.
"You made me coffee," she said. He shrugged his shoulders as if it wasn't out of the ordinary.
"You let me stay."
"You were exhausted," she pointed out. He glanced at his phone on the counter charging in her charger. "She called last night."
"Who?" She rolled her eyes, hands falling to her lips. He can't be serious. "Oh."
"She left a voicemail." He was surprised she didn't answer the phone and yet not so surprised. "And she dropped by." That got his attention.
"Here?"
"Yes."
"Does she..."
"No, I said you were probably at Abby's or Ducky's."
"Abby or Ducky?"
"Well I didn't think you'd go to McGee or Ziva and I thought Tony had a date," she shot back. "I did tell her we talked briefly."
"Oh," he responded placing down his coffee mug.
"Come on, I'll take you home, you can change, go to work, it will all look better later," she comforted. He shook his head; he didn't want to go home right now.
"I have a change of clothes in the office," he told her. She nodded and took another sip of the coffee.
"Okay then, I'll change, you can drive,' she said taking the coffee with her as she left. She closed her door to her room and found an outfit for the day. She finished getting ready within twenty minutes and came back down the stairs trying to fasten a bracelet around her wrist. "Damnit," she cursed dropping it again.
"Jen?" Jethro called questioningly hearing her curse.
"Yes?" she responded. He came out of the kitchen.
"You alright?"
"Just fine, just trying to..." she looked up and that move cost her. She felt her foot miss the step. The logical thing that would have followed would be for her to have fallen but surprisingly she didn't. She felt a strong hand grab her arm and keep her on her feet.
"Okay?"
"Fine. I hate wearing heels," she complained bending down slightly to pick up the fallen bracelet and trying again to fasten it. He took hold of her wrist and fastened the bracelet for her. He starred at the contrast of silver around her pale, creamy skin. "Can I have my wrist back?"
"Oh right." He let go and stepped away so she could come the rest of the way down the stairs. She went to the closet and handed Gibbs' his coat and took out hers. He helped her into it and followed her out the door making sure it was locked. She handed him the keys and slid into the passenger side. The ride was silent and no one seemed to notice the two enter together. Gibbs grabbed his change of clothes and Jenny went to her office.
Toward the end of the day Jenny emerged from the small room and leaned against the railing watching the floor. She felt Gibbs' eyes on her and turned her head in his director. A minute later she was standing beside her.
"Quiet day?" she asked.
"It won't last for long," he answered. "How was your day?"
"Boring," she replied. "Just an endless pile of paperwork.
"Doing anything tonight?" She raised an eyebrow.
"More work."
"Team's going for drinks, want to come along?"
"I'll pass," she responded.
"Sure?" She nodded.
"I have to drive home," she reminded.
"Right, well see you tomorrow then?"
"Goodnight Jethro," she said.
"Night Jen." She smiled as he went back down the stairs. He stopped only two steps down and turned back to her. "Hey Jen?"
"Yes Jethro?"
"Nice bracelet." She smiled sweetly and turned back to her office as he continued down the stairs. Perhaps she didn't always understand Leroy Jethro Gibbs, but she did when it mattered.
Gibbs returned to his desk. He'd already returned the phone call to Hollis. It was just as well, she'd decided to retire and go to
-END-