Starts With Goodbye

Author: OrphanActress818

Category: Romance / General

Rating: PG/P12

Contents: A songfic about Jenny's thoughts on the end of her and Gibbs' relationship. Set to "Starts With Goodbye" by Carrie Underwood.

Disclaimer

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I was sitting on my doorstep
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand
But I knew I had to do it
And he wouldn't understand

I thought about calling him, because, coward that I was, I couldn't say it to his face, but I knew that even hearing his voice would make me break. Just hearing the hurt that was bound to flavor his tone would make me change my mind. I couldn't risk that. It took all my courage to get as far as I was; all my courage to decide that the choice I was making was the right one.

So, I decided to write him a letter. The classic, impersonal, this-will-never-work-out-so-goodbye 'Dear John' letter. The only problem was, in my heart, I knew it could have worked out. But, sometimes, what the heart wants isn't always what's best. I had to do what was best for me. I had to stick to my five-point plan if I was ever going to make something of myself.

And falling in love with my partner definitely wasn't part of that plan.

So hard to see myself without him
I felt a piece of my heart break
But when you're standing at a crossroad
There's a choice you gotta make

I tore up so many sheets of paper trying to write that letter. In my mind, I knew what I wanted to say, knew exactly how I was going to word it so that there was no chance of him getting the wrong idea, but I just couldn't make my hand form the right letters. It's funny. I hadn't even known him for very long—not even two years—and yet I already had trouble picturing my life without him. That's when I realized that I had to get out; when I starting imaging redheaded, blue-eyed, chubby toddlers running around a front yard and a white picket fence in the countryside, I knew I was too far gone to risk anything more.

My career, making my father proud, meant so much more to me than potential domestic life.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt
I guess I'm gonna have to cry
And let go of some things I've loved
To get to the other side

I guess it's gonna break me down
Like fallin' when you try to fly
Sad but sometimes
Moving on with the rest of your life
Starts with goodbye

I knew it was going to hurt both of us. Of course it would. I loved him, and I like to think he loved me too, even if we never once said it in so many words to each other. But what we had, whatever it was, just couldn't happen. Not to me.

I guess sometimes, making the right choices, moving on, has to start with leaving behind some things you wish you could take with you. Just like I had to leave him behind. He wouldn't understand. Hell, I didn't even understand. I just knew I had to do it.

I know there's a blue horizon
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me
Getting there means leaving things behind
Sometimes life's so bittersweet

I got a job offer. A nice, secure position, a chance to finally work my way up the ladder. And even though I knew him well enough to know he would support anything I wanted to do, I was afraid.

I wasn't used to things being so perfect. Being in Paris, a man who loved me, my dream job practically handed to me. It was everything I could have ever hoped for. But, I guess, in the back of my mind, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. For him to leave me, for the agency to call me and tell me it was all a mistake—that I really wasn't as good as they thought I was and I wasn't the one they wanted.

And, I was afraid that, eventually, I would make the choice to keep what I had, what we had, and then realize later on that I didn't really want it at all.

I had to keep moving on if I wanted to be sure about anything.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt
I guess I'm gonna have to cry
And let go of some things I've loved
To get to the other side

I guess it's gonna break me down
Like fallin' when you try to fly
Sad but sometimes
Moving on with the rest of your life
Starts with goodbye

I cried myself to sleep that night. After writing that letter, leaving it on the table, and packing my bags. I made sure that there was nothing left in that hotel room to remind him of me except that innocent looking envelope.

I went back to D.C. early. The mission was over; there was no reason to remain in Paris when I could leave. Leave that city and its godforsaken memories.

But as I watched the sun set from the plane window, I felt a piece of my heart break. He would have gotten the letter already and he would believe what I wanted him to believe. I was leaving and I wasn't coming back.

I tried to push back the tears, but seeing that city fade away into distance and night made them fall. And, so I cried.

Time heals the wounds that you feel
Somehow, right now

I guess it's gonna have to hurt
I guess I'm gonna have to cry
And let go of some things I've loved
To get to the other side

I guess it's gonna break me down
Like fallin' when you try to fly
Sad but sometimes
Moving on with the rest of your life
Starts with goodbye

I knew that time, eventually, would make things better. It was hard that first few couple of months, and, if I told myself the truth, even the first few couple of years. It felt like he was still there, just a phone call or doorbell away, where I could easily talk to him anytime I wanted to. So many times I had picked up my cell and halfway dialed his number before realizing that calling him wasn't an option. So many times I'd had to face that horrible sinking feeling in my stomach—a feeling I'd long since associated with that last night in Paris.

But time would heal things. It had to. I couldn't afford for it not to.

I guess I'm gonna have to cry
And let go of some things I've loved
To get to the other side

Start to wave goodbye
Like fallin' when you try to fly
Sad but sometimes
Moving on with the rest of your life
Starts with goodbye

And so, here I sit. Thinking—contemplating my first day at my new job. Director of NCIS. I smile every time I think of the title, every time I remember the hard work and dedication I'd put into my job in order to earn it. Of course, somber thoughts come after that smile every time. Thoughts of that night. Thoughts of 'what if'?

I saw him for the first time in nine years today. Leroy Jethro Gibbs. And, not for the first time, I regretted the choice I made. But, I guess, now we'll never know. I made my choice. I said goodbye.

And with that goodbye came the end of the introduction and the beginning of the first chapter of the life of Jennifer Shepard.

END