This was an ask I received after reblogging and tagging a post on gender identity, dating and opinions on that.
# EXACTLY # DATING DOESN’T MEAN MEET A FEW TIMES AND THAT’S IT # IDEALLY IT CONTINUES AND SOONER OR LATER INCLUDES SEX # AND SORRY # AS ACCEPTING OF EVERYONE AS I MAY BE # PHYSICALLY I’M STRICTLY INTO MEN # AND MEN ONLY # PERSONAL // lmao okay 1. asexual erasure, 2. “Physically into men” by which you mean “i’m a transphobic cissexist asshole” bye
For the record – my original tags were not in caps. It makes them sound very differently and very aggressive, which they were never intended to be.)
Hello, extremely polite and considerate person. Thank you for messaging me. Let me please reply accordingly and tell you…
You know what? Screw that. I mean, at least you didn’t send that message as anon. It doesn’t make it any better. I’d say I’m sorry if I offended and/or hurt someone with my tags. But fact is: If I get a message like this, no, I’m anything but sorry.
See, the thing is, there are people out here who are not confronted with/affected by issues stemming from gender identity etc. Some people just live very happily the way they were born. It’s a fact. It’s also a fact that hadn’t I joined Tumblr, I’d never have heard of cis and all that stuff in the first place. Not because I’m ignorant, but because it just so happens to not be part of my life.
Yes, I know gay men and women. Yes, I know a transgender woman who I was in my class when I studied, and who I was actually friends with. I don’t have a problem with any of these people. A human being is a human being in my eyes, no matter which gender, sexuality, race, skin color etc etc.
But you know what kind of people I have a problem with? Those who attack others without checking whether there is a reason to attack first. Until a few months (weeks) ago I had never heard the word “cisgender”. I’m not even sure it’s actually used in my native language.
Yes, maybe I lack the grasp of the severity of issues when it comes to transphobia. Maybe I lack the grasp of what asexuality is. Maybe I assume that the default situation is that everyone wants to have sex sooner or later. And maybe there are a few more things I also think and will continue thinking, but I will surely not say here because I’m pretty certain people like you will skin me alive for this, as you seem to be incapable of simply accepting another person’s opinion.
My opinion expressed in my tags was: When you go out and date someone, it’s most probably with the intention of developing a romantic and consequently sexual connection to that person. And in that case yes, I am physically only into men, thus will only date men. Does that make me transphobic and cissexist? Duh. Welcome to the real world, dearie, because then I’d say that most of the world’s population is.
Before you attack and insult people like me, you should ask yourself what *you* don’t know – and how you’d like to be handled when you show this lack of knowledge. Do you want people to explain to you what you don’t know/understand? Because that’s how the world is supposed to work. We are supposed to help each other understand – especially when it comes to such problems as gender issues that are so, so important these days.
So next time you want to judge someone by their tags (because that really is nothing to judge someone by, plus I wrote it in the tags to NOT write it in the post, for good reasons), maybe you should first ask them:
“Wait, what exactly did you mean? Do you think it’s right that you seem to be unaccepting of a certain group of people? And also, remember there are more than just straight cisgender person.”
If you receive an answer that tells you to go screw yourself, you are free to either ignore or tell this person your opinion. But you know, it might just be that the reply you get if of someone who didn’t realize what they wrote could be considered hurtful. Who could just write with the background of what they’ve learned in their life, in their environment.
There are billions of people in this world. Not everyone knows the same stuff. Not everyone knows of all the issues that exist. I’m from a generation that was raised by parents and grandparents who think in certain norms. Of course I was raised as a girl who should like men. Of course my parents wouldn’t be (or wouldn’t have been, it has changed in the past years) happy if I told them I was gay. Or even transgender. Be that as it may, I am not. As said before, I’m a straight woman who is completely content with her gender identity and sexuality. And unless you have someone among your friends/acquaintances who are into gender studies, everything else there is you won’t learn of unless you pursue it actively.
But what if you don’t even know/predict that there’s something else? I’d love for someone to offer to explain it all to me. I want to know, I really do. But it’s nothing a Wikipedia article helps you much with; there has to be someone to talk to and to ask questions. Someone who doesn’t judge me for not knowing, someone who doesn’t assume I’m ignorant and uninterested.
I understand that there are people who are fed up with all the ignorance and hate they encounter due to their sexual orientation and/or gender identification. And who are not willing to explain anything. I get it. But on the other hand, if you want people to understand, then maybe you should at least try and do something to support that.
You know, a while back there was a family here from India. One of them was an elderly man, a wise person, renowned and well-known in India. We made a sightseeing tour through the city and I had a long conversation with him about racism and the problem of people here having their problems with (if not hating) foreigners. It was one of the most interesting talks I ever had, and you know why? Because I knew that he didn’t judge me – not for who I was, what I thought, what I felt. And neither did I with him. We were just two people from basically two different worlds, having an open conversation about how we see things.
In my opinion, that’s how it’s supposed to be. Even if it’s hard for those of us who are affected by the issue in question. But in the end it’s these people who have to go out and take others by their hand. Tell, here, let me show you what it is really like. Let me explain so you understand. I admit that there are people out there who just wanna hate on others – without knowing anything, without asking for explanations. That’s terrible. But that’s not the majority.
It’s the same with everything in life: There are two groups, one who knows and one who doesn’t. And at some point, those who don’t know will get frustrated because all they see from the other group is them fiercely defending themselves against… what? Lack of knowledge in the other group? Many of us want to know. And I know many of you want to explain. Perhaps we should try and find each other – and not just attack and insult where there is no reason.
Because in the end we have to remember one thing: We may all be human beings, but no one of us is perfect.
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